The Dawn after Dusk : By Sirisha D

“Shobha this is twenty thousand rupees. Hurry up or you will miss the train. Never try to call me. God will make sure everything goes fine with you. Before Didi wakes up stop wasting time here and just go,” said Rani to Ma. She then looked at me with teary eyes, kissed my forehead blessed me with her hand on my head & told me, “never ever tell anyone in my life that you lived here or you know someone here. Forget me, forget this place. You have a bright future. Study well & be an Officer one day”. She then laughed looking at my Ma. “Yeh to badi hoke agar police wali bani to mujhe hi arrest karne aa jayegi (if she become a police officer after she grows up she will come to my house to arrest me first). “Now both of you run from here”.
We ran quietly in the darkness of the night tiptoeing through the huge mansion that we lived in. I had no clue why we were going or where we were going. I just quietly followed my Ma. We got into an Auto after walking for sometime & then running for what I think would have been almost an hour. The autowala looked at both of us suspiciously & then Ma said,” Jaldi station chalo bhaiyya”. The guy looked at us once again & told us we will have to pay double on meter charge. My Ma just nodded her head. He asked my Ma on the way why we were travelling alone at that hour & Ma told him there is an emergency & that her Dad is serious. She told that her Husband was not home & he has gone on a tour. So she had to go alone. The driver told us that we should be happy that we got an Auto like his, “zamana bahut kharab hai Madam (else these days it’s a bad world out there)”.
“Thank You Bhaiyya”, Ma hurriedly got out of the Auto after reaching the station. Raaga pay uncle Rs.80/- quickly. She was holding 2 bags of our clothes in both her hands. We hurried up to the counter “1 and half ticket to Mumbai” said Ma. “There are no reserved seats available. All are Waiting list”, said the old man across the counter. “Its ok we will take it”. We waited for the train on the platform behind a closed bookshop, until the train arrived. Ma was so tensed. I wanted to ask her why she lied to the autowala but I kept quiet as I was scared. She had hit me in the past for asking something she dint like. I dint want to ask her anything now. I was so amused at being at the Railway station for the first time in my life. I had seen it in movies, the announcement. The lady was saying “Lucknow se Mumbai jaane wali Lucknow express kuch hi der mein Paltform number 4 se ravana hone ke liye tayyar hai.” We were sitting at the corner of a berth where someone was already sleeping. Ma asked me to sit very quietly without making any noise. I was looking at all the people in the station who were busy selling tea/ bread omlette. There were children of my age playing & running around at the station. I had never been allowed to play like that. I always wanted to spend some time in the park behind my school but every day before my school would finish Dinu would be there to pick me up & drop me home. I hate him. He beat my Ma so many times.
Ma put a sari of hers on the floor & I slept there happily. Next day we got down at Mumbai. Wow, what a place. So many people, so many buses, so many trains. Ma told me this is where all films are made & we will be living here from now on.
Ma called someone from the public booth & he asked us to come to Dadar. He told us after meeting that he will get Ma some work. When we met him he said that he will help Ma only this time & he said that he has already paid advance for a Kholi in Chembur. He said that Ma can work in a Beauty Parlour that he knows and if she does a good job she can in the future have her own parlour.
“Will my daughter get admission in school here?”, Ma asked the new Uncle. He looked very strangely at Ma. He said “This is not Lucknow, here everything is costly”. He was having a cigarette in his mouth, the smoke came on to my face and I started to cough. He looked at me and told Ma. “Ok, tomorrow I will come with you to a Govt .School near Chembur. We will get her admitted there. But it will cost Rs.4000. Is it ok?” Ma said “OK. I want my daughter to be well educated”. He laughed and said, “isko Doctor thodi banane ka hai” (U want to make her a Doctor or what?) Ma dint say anything and we quietly walked towards another station. It was such a big place. I dint like the crowd pushing each other. The fish smelled so badly in the ladies compartment. The ladies having the fish baskets were shouting at each other to move. I sat down at a little place in the next compartment. The new Uncle told us to get off & we got down at the station. I was feeling quite out of place over there. I saw people dressed up so well and smelling good, whereas I was wearing an old frock of mine stitched by Rani. It was a nice frock in violet I liked it. But somehow today I dint like it. I did not have my bath & my hair was fuzzy & the others were looking so beautiful that I dint like myself. I saw the other beggars & sweepers in the train whose clothes were torn & their hair too looked like mine.
Once we got down at what I was told is Chembur we walked through a few narrow lanes & reached a house which was very old there were so many people I saw in the house. The new Uncle gave my Ma the house key & said this is your house. “Ma this house is so small, how will we live here?” I asked Ma. Ma asked me to keep quiet. She thanked that Man for showing us a house. She took out some money from her bag & gave it to him. He told Ma he will be there tomorrow morning to take me to the Govt. School. He asked Ma to take rest & said that he will show her workplace tomorrow. He left after that. Ma took out Ramji’s photo frame she had at our old house & opened the door. It was such a small house & only one room. I asked Ma where the Bedroom was & where were the Bathroom & Toilet? She made me sit down & told me that from now on we had to live in that house & if I be a good girl we will soon have a big house. She told me I had to study well & get good marks & that I should not trouble Ma, otherwise Ramji will get angry & will not give us the new big house. I nodded, though I did not understand much about that concept. I went to the school the next day, it was ok not as good at the one I used to go. The students there dint wear uniform.
I got used to my school but my Ma got me admitted in a Private school later that year. She told me I have to study well & become a Doctor. I nodded. I liked this school. The students wore uniforms, the teachers spoke in English, the school was still smaller than my very old school. I came 2nd in my class in the final exams of 5th Std. They gave us summer holidays & told us that they will give us the prize after we start school for 6th class after holidays. I came home & I was jumping too high. I told Ma that after holidays I will get a cup in school & everyone will clap for me. I told Ma that I will keep the prize near Ramji atleast for 3 days & I will ask him to give me 1st Prize from next year. Ma kissed me on my forehead & hugged me. “Ma why are we here? Why are we not with Rani?” Ma suddenly shouted, “Shut up Raaga, I told you not to discuss anything of that. We have nothing to do with them now”. Ma hurriedly went out saying she had to be at the parlour today & from tomorrow she will take permission & take me to the parlour with her. “I have made lunch & kept it for you near the stove, don’t forget to eat.”
I took out my books & started to read for sometime. In the evening I suddenly got a stomach ache. I went to the toilet & saw blood while I was peeing. I started to cry & quietly came back to my room. “ Ramji I am sorry I hurt Ma so u want to punish me. I know I am going to die, sorry Ramji, please take care of Ma”, I sat in front of Ramji’s photo & I kept crying. After sometime I slept. Ma came home & asked me if I had my lunch & with a sad face I saw Ma & told her, “Ma I am going to die”, I hugged her & I was sobbing. “What happened?” asked Ma. “I got blood while I was peeing & I have a stomach ache I will die Ma. Ma was smiling. I thought Ma doesn’t like me anymore & wants me to die. She dint even look bothered. “Meri choti si pari badi ho rahi hai” (You are growing up my Angel), she said. “You are not going to die”.
“Then what happened to me Ma?”
“Nothing Raaga, you are now a big girl”.

We shifted from that house in Chembur to Borivalli in a better flat where Ma bought a parlour & rented a two bedroom flat by the time I was in 11th. It had been almost 2years since we moved into the flat & I realized time just flew. I had finished my 12th Board exams too.
“Raaga where are you? I have been calling from such long time. Raaa-gaa”, Ma was searching for me.
“Am here Ma, in my room. I am getting ready. All my friends are getting dressed today, we have a farewell at school that our Juniors dint give us while we were leaving school. So they have decided to arrange for it today. I thought I had told you Ma”, I said thinking if I had already told Ma.
She was nothing less than a charming personality. She had a slender body. She had her curves at the right places. She knew how to get dressed without putting much effort. She would look beautiful even in the simplest of dresses. She was a born beauty. Shobha was proud of her daughter. She was one of the intelligent girls of her class & she had a helpful nature. She was due for her Medical exam in the next 2 months time & she knew Raaga had been working hard for it. If she got through Shobha had decided to take a loan on her small parlour she had been able to set up with years of hardwork & dedication into it.
“Here, I got you a handbag to take along with you” said Ma
“Ma, I don’t want any of this. I just don’t want you to work much. Just wait till I become a Doctor Ma, then you will just sit at home or go shopping I will not let you do anything else” I said being too sure about it.
Shobha smiled & was proud of her daughter, “By the time you become a Doctor it will be time for you to get married & you will be busy with your husband, where on earth will you have time for me my Angel?”, Ma had moist eyes by then already.
“Naa Ma I will always be there with you, you have done so much for me & you expect me to just get married & go?”, I dint want to agree to what she said
“Ok Ok we will talk about all this later, now go you are getting late”, Ma pushed me to go.
“Bye Ma”

“Hey Raaga, what got you so late? Lets go” said Shiven
I had met Shiven for the first time at Ritu’s birthday party. She was my classmate. He had taken my landline number then & had told me he would call. I dint know he would though. But he did call me & tell me he would like to take me some place I would really like. I wasn’t sure but I agreed eventually coz I dint want to doubt my friend’s cousin & he was a good looking guy too. I dint mind going out with him as I had finished my exams & my entrance exam still had some time. I was too bored sitting at home anyways.
“Shiven, I am so scared, this is the first time I lied to Mom, you dint even tell me where we are going.” “Just chill Raaga, a beauty like you should never get so tensed, you will spoil your features” said Shiven busily driving.
“But tell me Shiven, where are we going”, I was curious now of where he had planned to take me
“Ok we are going to a fashion show, my cousin is organizing it & she invited me. So I remembered you when I met you at Ritu’s birthday party. Trust me though she is my cousin, & is beautiful I haven’t seen a beauty like you in my lifetime“, he said smiling at me.
“But why dint you call Ritu, even shes your cousin right?”, I was pleased but what he said but just acted like I was a little disappointed.
“Offo Raaga, you ask too many questions..Just sit back & relax”, he then started playing a song which I dint know how to react to. He was playing, “Tu hai khushboo tu hai jadoo, hey you, ye dil tum pea a gaya”. I could not help but smile within listening to the song.
The fashion show was something I had never seen before. They were all rich people, classy high profile. Big cars at the parking area. The clothes they were wearing were so revealing, the stilettos, the smell of nice perfumes was just a wonderful feeling.
“Shiven, mujhe dar lag raha hai” (I am scared Shiven). “What if they wont allow me in”.
“Don’t worry Raaga, I will manage everything. Don’t you trust me”, said Shiven with a look that made me feel slightly confident
When we went inside we were seated in the 4th row. I could see Neeta Lulla, my favourite designer sitting in front of me.
“Hi Neeta Ji I am a great fan of your collection, I love all your designs” I said. I couldn’t resist sitting behind such a great designer & not talking to her.
Neeta Lulla had just said Thank You & turned around. I saw a couple of others look at me & giggle at my clothing. I felt a little embarrassed & wanted to get out of that place.
“Shiven shall we go from here, I am not comfortable”I said.
“Raaga, don’t make me regret for getting you here, do you know Carol Gracious is back in this show. She was the one who had a mishap occur with her the last show, lets see what happnes today” said Shiven & winked at me.
“Chee Shiven you have such dirt in your head. Ok I am waiting outside you can come there whenever you are done with your show.” I said while leaving the hall in haste. I just wanted to be out of that place. The place & the people there made me feel suffocated.
“OK Whatever” said Shiven & was engrossed in watching the models.
I was wandering outside sitting at the couch outside the hall for some time & then walking towards the Hotel main gate, absent mindedly thinking why I had ever come with Shiven without even knowing him much & I collided with someone, I instantly screeched “Dekh ke nahi chal sakte kya?” I lifted my head irritatingly to move sideways & walk away when I saw Swarit Sinha.
The security guard shouted at me” Andhi hai kya, dikhta nahi hai?” (Are you blind? Cant you see?)
“I – ummmm..oh God..I, I am soo sorr-rryy Sir, I dint see you. Sorry.” I said apologetically
“ Its ok, you are moving out so soon, dint you like the show?” asked Swarit.
“No Sir actually I got bored” I was smiling. I couldn’t hide my glee as soon as I had Swarit talking to me. I had not even imagined in the wildest of my dreams that I would be meeting him. He was the dream Man of so many women. He was such a top rated Actor & I was talking to him. I had decided I would tell all my friends of it. But what if they asked with whom I had gone to the fashion show. I was contemplating on the thought when Swarit interrupted.
“Hey why don’t you come inside its too late, you can have some snacks atleast & go if not to watch the show” said Swarit with his lovely smile which had me too as one of his biggest fans.
“No Sir..I am better of having Pav Bhaji at the station. You get it all through the evening.” I said.
Swarit laughed at my idea of Paav Bhaji.

“Hey Raaga..what yaar I dint know you would be such a pain. You dint even allow me to watch the show, lets go” said Shiven
He had just seen Swarit & was startled by his presence. He shook hands with the actor.
“hmm Couple?” asked Swarit
“Yes Sir she actually doesn’t like these shows but I got her here. I am taking her back sir”
“She seems to be a nice girl, take care of her” said Swarit & walked away.

“Shiven are you mad? Why did you tell him we are a couple? I am leaving right now.” I was furious.
“Raaga..raaggaa..listen, he is an actor. You know how these people are, they will take unnecessary advantage of you. If I dint tell him that, he would have said something else to you. You are still very young. Try to understand me. I did that for your own benefit” said Shiven
‘OK whatever, just leave me home now” said Raaga
We both got into the car & while on the way back I felt a chill in the spine when suddenly Shiven stopped the car & held my hand. I dint know what to say. He was moving his hand towards my thigh & I felt a deep sense of slapping him right there. I knew it was my mistake getting into the car with him, going out with him without telling Ma. I dint know why I went out with him. I couldn’t create any more issues with it.
“Shiven Ma must be waiting for me, can we go home please?” I asked him in a requesting tone
“Whats the hurry Raaga, you are too beautiful to let go.” Said Shiven
“Shiven, if you don’t drop me home right now, I will never be able to come out with you again, you understand what I am saying?” I said trying to act my best. I never knew I had that talent in me.
“Huh..ok darling..if you say so..but this time I am going to have a fantastic plan”said Shiven
“Yeah ok”
Ma asked me how the party was, I just mentioned that it was ok & I was tired & wanted to sleep. Ma allowed me to sleep. Though she had made my favourite ‘ Gobhi Paratha’s’ , she let me take rest. She thought she could make them again but I needed sleep. I went to my room & took a cold water bath. I felt creepy with his touch. I had never imagined that someone could act so terrible in their first meet. I hated myself for being so negligent. I was scared of the thought about Ma getting to know about where I had been & with whom.
I changed my dress to my old tracks & t-shirt & was off to sleep after moving around for a long while.
The next day morning, I got up & told Ma” Whoever calls for me, tell them that I am studying.”
“Even to Nafisa?” asked Ma.
“No, no not to Nafisa, but apart from her anyone else please tell them I am studying”, I said
Nafisa has been my best friend since I joined St. Mary’s. She has been the one who has known all my secrets. I was just foolish enough not to tell her about Shiven. Wish I would have told her, she would have surely warned me against him. I need to study for my exams now & I don’t want to let any other thoughts interrupt with my studies.

A few days passed and I forgot about Shiven & his behavior. I had to go to Nafisa’s house to get the text book she had promised to give me. I wanted to buy the book but I know its expensive & Ma will buy me if I need it. Still somehow I had a strange feeling in asking her to buy the book. She has been working too hard to buy me the books I already have. I could borrow it from Nafisa, she is my best friend. I knew she will not say No.
Its been raining cats & Dogs since the past few days & Ma did not want me to go out, but if I din’t go I wont be able to finish my subjects before the exams. I convinced Ma that I would be safe & will be back home soon. Nafisa stays near Churchgate & Ma was so worried about my travel. Ma had also bought me a new mobile which I obviously wanted to show off. I only had Nafisa I could talk to as of now & who better than her to show off my mobile to & to tell how stupid I had acted a few days back.
“Ma I am going now & don’t worry I will come back soon”, I said
“Raaga come soon I am so worried, agar beemar pad gayi to exam kaise dogi?”(if you fall sick how are you gonna give your exam?), said Ma
“Ma what did you buy me the mobile for?, call me any number of times.

I took my umbrella along with me, I knew it would’nt hold for the rain outside but I hoped to reach Nafisa’s place.
I reached the station & got into the ever crowded trains & in a rainy season the mud, the wet chappals, the stinking fish, the people pushing each other all complimented the rain like no other season.
I got down at Churchgate & managed to get out of the station. It was raining so badly I could not make out the place at which the water was stagnated & what was probably drainage. Every place was so filled up with water. I just could not walk at the footpaths with the water & the kachra filled in. I had tried calling Nafisa to come to the station & her mom just would not allow her to. I wonder how my Ma is so nice to all my friends.
I was struggling to get through to the next street in the water that was already upto my knees when this car was honking which felt like a constant irritating noise right on my face. I cursed the guy who was driving. The people with cars never think of the people on the road. For them they should reach the place on time without a hassle. Its so upsetting. Sometimes I feel that all the cars on earth should vanish & these people should all be walking, then they would know how it feels like.
“Raaga?” said a voice & I started searching all around me. The name was rare to hear. I love my name.
“Raaga, over here. Its me.” Said Swarit waving from his car standing in front of me.
If it was any other normal day people would have jumped on to the car may be for autographs, but today people were busy trying to just get home.
I smiled at him. “Hi, nice to know you remember my name.” I started walking away from the car, to give the car way to leave.
The car now came forward & stopped next to me. Swarit looked at me, with the window pulled down & said, “Hey its raining heavily & its difficult for you to get further on foot anywhere in this area. Let me know, I can drop you.”
I quickly remembered what Shiven had said the last time I met Swarit. What if he tries to take advantage of me?. I told him that I will mange but he would not listen. He said “Raaga, please I will really feel bad if I cannot do the minimum for you in such heavy rains. I felt a couple of people staring & I realized that if anything wrong happens it will be in the papers & Swarit always had a good image. He had a girlfriend & they were going steady.
I hopped into the car with him & was feeling very awkward. His car was fully loaded & there was the light melody of “Pehla Nasha” playing in the background. “This is my favorite song”, I said. I was so excited I forgot I was soiling the soft leather interior in his car. I quikly realized & said, “I am so very sorry, your car has become dirty because of me”. He just smiled & said, “that is not such a big problem but where does your friend live?”
I told the address to the driver. Once I reached Nafisa’s apartment, I told Swarit I need to pick up a book from my friend. I thanked him for his drive & told him that I would have been very happy if I could have his autograph. He gave his number on a piece of paper which he tore from a notepad beside him & told me to call him anytime I want & that he will give me an autograph whenever I want it. I was so excited. I had never felt like that before.
I walked to Nafisa’s house & knocked the door. Her mom opened the door & asked me if I had come for the book. I just nodded my head & she handed me the book she was already holding in her hand. “Is this the one you were after?” I nodded again. She handed me the book & told me Nafisa was not at home. I was puzzled & tried asking her where she was. She shut the door on my face. I felt so devastated. I never knew why she behaved with me like that. She would talk nicely to all the other girls except me. Nafisa once told me its probably because you don’t have a father. I had never dared to ask Ma about it though.
I walked past the stairs & came down to the main gate. It was still raining very badly & I had to quickly get to the railway station, it had already started to turn dark because of the clouds. I tried to open my umbrella when I saw the driver of Swarit’s car came to me & said “Madam, swarit sahib aapka wait kar rahe hain” (Madam, Swarit Sir is waiting for you). I was shocked to see his car parked across the road. I asked him why they had not left, he told me he was trying to call someone & the signals have gone bad due to the weather & while he was trying to make another call he saw me getting down the stairs.
I hesitantly walked to the car. The driver opened the door for me. I bent down & told him, “ I think I will manage, the station is not very far from here”.
“Raaga I am not allowing you to walk till the station in this weather. Come on yaar, its raining so badly. And what do you think I am gonna eat you up or something?? Don’t be a cry baby. Get into the car” said Swarit.
I resisted the temptation of getting into that car & sitting so close to such a big star but I gave in within seconds. I just somehow could not stop myself. Such a big star was sitting next to me, his perfume was so intoxicating & he was so sweet to me the entire time that I just felt & wished, what if he falls in love with me. I was 18, had finished my school & my hormones were playing havoc on me. I had the strong urge & wish to hug him, to be close to him. I had never felt this way before except having a crush on another guy at school whom I could never dare to propose & he eventually was seen dating another bombshell in the next section.
“Ok, I will get into your car, but I hope you will not ask me to pay for the damage I have done to your car” I said.
“You bet I will, atleast that would give me another chance to meet you” he was smiling at me.
He spoke about his new movies, about his song sequence recently in Holland & the action sequence they shot in Manali. I was awestruck with his sense of humour & his knowledge. He knew what goes into studying medicine & what engineers subjects are. He seemed quite a learned man.
“What about your boyfriend Raaga? Hasn’t he bothered to drop you or pick you up in such a weather?” he questioned me about Shiven.
“He ..he isn’t my boyfriend.” I said
“Isnt your boyfriend? But he told me in front of you he was your boyfriend. Did you guys break up?”
“No actually he lied to you, he thought you might take advantage of me if you know I am single and..”, I murmured.
He was laughing even before I could finish & I felt embarrassed. “It wasn’t my idea, he was the one”.

“Anyways what is he doing these days?” Swarit asked me about his whereabouts probably he wanted to know what made Shiven think of such an idea.
“I don’t know I am not talking to him, he wasn’t very good to me while dropping me back home & I stopped talking”, I din’t find it appropriate to divulge in the other details with Swarit whom I had actually met only a few minutes ago.
“Anyways, what do you do?” he asked
“I am preparing for my Medicine entrance exam” I said with a lot of pride. Knowing too sure that I would soon in a few years time be called Dr. Raaga.
“Oh that’s good news, so what do your parents do?” he asked me with a look of what I felt then was curiosity. It was probably more of a general question when I think of it today.
“My Ma runs a beauty parlour” I said
“And your father what does he do?”
“Father..he is not with us..” I was talking as if my throat had dried up & dint want to answer any such questions.
“Oh I am sorry, did he pass away when you were too young?” he asked as if apologizing for reminding me of my father.
I suddenly looked at him & realized what he had concluded with my statement & I just nodded not intending to complicate the situation any further.
Swarit dropped me home & I was too happy to know he after all wasn’t as bad a person as Shiven had pictured him to be. I hugged Ma as soon as I got home & I could not sleep that night. I hadn’t even read the first few pages of the book that I got from Nafisa’s house. I had a dream that night which I felt was awfully funny. I saw Swarit waiving to his girlfriend & she was crying while he was smiling in a groom’s dress & next to him was a girl in her wedding dress covered her face with a ghoongat & they got married. When he opened the ghoongat after the wedding I saw myself. I was so happy in my dream & I was smiling.
Next day Ma asked me how far I had prepared for the exam, that is when it struck me that the exam is nearing & the dream ultimately is not going to be true. I started studying for the exam but I had wished I had Nafisa to discuss these things. She had called me once on my mobile when her mom was not home & told me that her mom had warned her against meeting me. I was hurt, but knew Nafisa would not change. She was preparing for the exam too & I knew that if luck favours we might end up in the same Medical College.

Ma gave me all her blessings on the day of my entrance exam. She told me that she had been waiting to see me as a Doctor for years. I wanted to make her happy. I prayed to God that I should do well & I did do well in my exam. The results were out soon & I had cleared with a good rank. I knew I would be placed in a college in Mumbai. Nafisa cleared but she had a bigger rank & I was wishing she would get a seat in Mumbai. Atleast I could be in touch with her. I could meet her once in a while, she had been my only friend since years & I had always told her my heart. She was such a nice, lovely understanding friend I always had.
Once in a while I would look at the mobile number of Swarit that he gave me long time ago & keep it back safe under my clothes. I wanted to call him, meet him & wanted him to see me well dressed not like whom he had seen on the rainy day all sloppy due to the mess the rain had created.
After a wait of 4 long months I finally secured a seat in Rajiv Gandhi Medical College in Thane. It was long distance I had to change 3 trains to go to the college. I had to first take a train to Andheri then go to Ghatkopar then change again at Ghatkopar to reach Thane. I knew it would be long travel but I was happy that it was in Mumbai atleast.
My first day to college & I was so nervous like I was going to school for the first time. Nafisa thankfully got a seat in Mumbai but in a different college she joined the Medical College in Parel. I was excited to be going to a Medical college & fulfilling my mom’s dream but nervous like hell as I knew there would be ragging & I dint know what to expect.

It was a huge campus, so many students such big classrooms. I liked the college. To my surprise there was no ragging. We went into the 1st year class & I liked the first day. The Professors were friendly & knowledgeable. I came back home & Ma was waiting for me with all my favorite dishes that she had made. She had taken the day off from parlour as she wanted to give me a treat by preparing the dishes. Her happiness knew no bounds. I had my dinner with Ma & I thanked God for all he had given me.
The next day that I was going to college there was an old lady who asked me “Bus thamba kuthe aahe?”(Where is the Bus stop?). I showed her the bus stop & she said”Aabhar, aaple naav kaya?” (Thank You, what is your name?)
“Maaze naav Raaga.”(My name is Raaga)
“Chaan Aahe” (Nice)she said & she blessed me. I felt so happy. It was strange there was nothing I could show to anyone of what I had received from the old lady but her blessing made me feel good. I knew someday these blessings would work. Ma always said that if you help someone it will bear the fruit someday for sure & I trusted her.
I walked towards the station & reached my college. The first week of college passed very well. There were some in the class who said there might be some ragging soon but I did not find any such act by the seniors & felt happy. I thought finally the police patrol has done some good for the students.
When the following week I entered the college I saw a group of 5 guys sitting on 2 bikes. They stopped me and asked me my name. “I am raaga”.
“Arey waah you have a nice name” said a guy.
“Thank You” I said, & tried to walk away.
Another guy jumped infront of me in the meantime & blocked my way.
“Hey we are your seniors you cannot just walk away. You are a good looking girl. We will give you some concession. Tell us the names of your family members starting from your parents till their grandparents. And it has to be both sides remember.” He was staring awkwardly at me & I did not know what to do.
“I am getting late for the class I need to go” I was trying to run away from the situation.
“Hey guys stop it yaar, don’t trouble her. I think I have started to like her.” Said another guy who looked like he had not shaved in the past 6 months.
He then said, “Raaga, you are so beautiful & you have such a lovely voice too. Just tell you parents names & go to your class no one here will bother you again”
I felt like digging up a grave & burying myself into it. Anyone else in my place would have felt relieved of not being ragged by the seniors & just to tell the names of your parents was such an easy job but not for me. I dint know who my father is or was. I dint know what happened to him, where he is, what he does. I dint know his name & I dint know he existed. I felt ashamed of myself. I dint know what to do & I was standing there like I was a stone. I had no expression on my face.
“hey what happened? We just asked you your parents names.” Said the beard guy.
“My Mom’s name is Shobha”, I uttered weakly.
“Aur baap ka naam?” said another lean guy.
“He is dead”, I tried to say with all my courage being too sure this will shut them up.
“Ok so he was Late MR.??”, said the lean guy again.
This was not coming to an end. It was not as easy as I had thought it would be. I knew I had to face this & with all my energy & courage I said, “I don’t know”.
They looked shocked for a what I felt was a lifetime & then suddenly one of them said, “You don’t know who your father is? Najayaz kya??”, and they all started to laugh together.
I ran with tears in my eyes to the bathroom & cried in the closed toilet. I had not heard these words before. I hated myself. I hated Ma for not telling me anything. I cried for hours without attending classes for that day & went home with a swollen face which had emerged as a result of my crying.
I went to Haji Ali without attending my classes. I dint care of what my Ma would think & how she would feel. I felt hurt & broken. She hid facts from me & now I dint bother how she felt. I sat there for a long while & when my mobile rang I saw the time was about 6PM. Ma had called. She sounded worried about me. I just told her I would be back home in an hour & hung up.
When I reached home around 7.30PM Ma was furious she was angry that I had not bothered to call her & had not told her where I had been for so long. I dint eat my dinner & dint respond to any question she asked. I just went to my room & shut the door. Ma banged the door for sometime in a fit of rage that I had disrespected her for the first time in my life. I am sure after she stopped banging the door, she too dint have her meal & must have cried the whole night as I saw her red eyes the next morning.
The previous night I had pulled out Swarit’s number from my closet & tried calling him. I could not reach him but I wanted to speak to someone. Someone who dint know my Ma. Someone who dint know much about me but still knew me. Someone who I could talk to without feeling awkward of talking to an entire stranger. I was not sure he would remember me or talk to me but I just took the number & started off to go to college.
I called Swarit from Mahalakshmi Temple. I was just not in a mood to go to college so I dropped off mid way. I dint know how to face the guys there. My imagination was running wild what if the word would have spread in the entire college? What if everyone at college starts asking me the same question? I had palpitations in my stomach with just the thought of it. I did not have the courage to see them in the eye & say anything. I could not even run away from them. They were in the same college. I tried calling Swarit lot many times but he was not picking up his phone. Cursing my stars & the time that I ever came into this world I wandered in the streets of Mumbai. I went to Marine Drive & walked along the beach for a while when suddenly my mobile rang. “Who is this? I have about 10 missed calls from this number” said Swarit.
I was elated hearing his voice but I could not stop my tears. I had so wanted to talk to someone. I started crying before I could say anything. “Hello, who’s this? Please tell me or I am disconnecting the phone, I don’t have time for this nonsense” said Swarit.
“No, please don’t put down the phone, I am Raaga”, I managed to say in between the tears.
“Hey what happened to you? Are you alright?” said Swarit.
“No, can I meet you? I need to talk to you.” I asked meekly.
“Raaga I am on a shoot I finish in the next 2hours are you ok to meet then or would it be too late & you might have to go home?” asked Swarit.
“No I can wait. I need to talk.” my voice was firm & I knew I just need to talk to feel better.
“OK lets meet at 4.30Pm. You take care till then & I shall see you soon. Don’t worry everything will be just fine.” Said Swarit & disconnected the phone.
Ma kept calling me & I went on disconnecting the phone.
I walked around for some more time & at 4PM Swarit called me again. “Raaga I am done with work. Where are you now?”
“I am near Marine Drive.” I said
“Can you come upto the Taj hotel I shall pick you up from there.” Said Swarit
“Ok” I said & put down the phone. I kept thinking till the time I reached there as how I had started to believe a stranger in the movie industry & why on earth he was willing to spend time with me? Why he even remembers me in the first place & if I really should be confiding in him. What if he starts looking down upon me & stops talking? But I decided that the extreme negative would be that he would stop talking to me, but atleast I would have told someone about it. And there was no chance that someone else would know my story as it would not bother anyone in that circle. With a strange feeling inside me I waited at the Taj entrance, while the security guy kept looking at me. I walked a little further to make sure he doesn’t jump to conclusions of me being a terrorist or something.
A black tinted glassed Octavia crossed me and stopped just in front of me.
“Get in said Swarit”, with his lovely smile.
I got into the car & he had noticed how sad & awful I was looking. “Whats wrong with you, looks like all your beauty has vanished except your eyes & they look swollen too”, he said with a voice of concern.
“I need to talk to you in private”, I said cautiously making sure the driver is not able to hear what I say.
“Driver leave us alone from here. You can go home & I will drive back” said Swarit.
I suddenly felt scared, but something told me I should go & that he is safe to be around.
“Yes Raaga tell me how can I help you?” he asked me in a soft tone. I was worried when I heard you cry today.
“I joined a Medical college in Thane” I said without any excitement left in my tone.
“Hey Congratulations dear!! That’s amazing news. This is what you wanted to do. You have got a seat in a Medical college. Why are you upset?” he said with a slight concern that came over on his face visibly.
“I was ragged by a few seniors Sir”, I said.
“Hey firstly just call me Swarit, secondly was it too bad? What exactly happened?, he was getting curious now.
My mobile rang & it was Nafisa. I told her I would talk to her later & quickly disconnected the phone.
“I have not even told Nafisa about it as I was not sure I should share it with a friend & I was scared to think she might cut off all the friendship we have had since years.” I then looked at him & continued.
“They asked me my father’s name during ragging” I said in a hollow tone.
“Father’s name so what about it?” Swarit asked me. He looked quite puzzled.
“I don’t know who my father is.” I said tears running down my eyes again.
“Hey what are you saying, you told me your Dad is no more” said Swarit. He was confused.
“I know, I lied to you. But the fact is my Ma has never told me who my Father is. I don’t know where he is or who he is”, and then I sobbed. Swarit walked towards me & patted me on my head. He then sat next to me & said, “You might get me wrong Raaga but let me tell you something, you are wrong Raaga in your thinking”.
I looked at Swarit in disbelief. I had expected a sympathy & in an extreme case I had expected that he might look down on me for who I am but I had this star in front of me who was telling me I was wrong in the way I was reacting to the situation.
“How can you blame your own Mother? Have you realized how difficult it is to raise a child in this society even when you have both your parents? Do you know what it takes to pay your fees, give you good morals & let you study Medicine with the earning she has? Have you ever thought what she must have gone through if she has had to live alone all her life with her daughter? And yet if she has not told you who your father is, I am sure there is a strong reason. I am sure that she must have had gone through lots of trauma to hide this from you. It could have probably been that your father was not a very nice man afterall. Have you ever thought of all this Raaga?”, he paused & looked at me to continue, “please do not blame your Mother, she has done so much of hardwork to let you study medicine, don’t run over her dreams just like that when you don’t even have enough proof that she must have been wrong”.
I hugged Swarit & cried. “I am a horrible daughter, I made Ma cry, she was crying the whole night yesterday. I could make out from her eyes.”
“Then just go home & talk to your Ma” said Swarit in a very soothing tone while patting on my head.
“Thanks Swarit for your time. I never expected things would be so much better”, I was genuinely greatful to Swarit for clearing my head of the things going on.
“But when I go to college tomorrow what should I answer those guys?” I was still worried about going to college and facing those guys.
“Hey Raaga come on don’t tell me you are such a cry baby. Face the world. Things can be difficult at times but that does not mean you stop yourself. If it is not harming anyone lie if you have to”, said Swarit while looking straight into my eyes to give me courage.
“Thanks so much again Swarit, I should leave now my Ma must be waiting for me, I have to make up for the pain I have given her in the past 2 days”, I said with a lot of guilt that had dawned over me.
Swarit dropped me home. On the way back home he bought two flavoured golas for both of us to eat. He was so down to earth & loved simple things I thought.
When I reached home Ma was waiting for me. She had swollen eyes. She was looking tired & she was still in her nighty. I understood that she had not gone to the parlour.
I quietly moved towards her, kneeling down near the couch I looked at her & said “Sorry Ma”.
She had tears rolling in her eyes all over again.” What happened Raaga? Why did you behave like that? I have never seen you like this before. You seemed a different person. I saw hatred in your eyes. Is everything alright?” asked Ma in a heavy tone barely able to speak.
I dint really want to tell what happened at the college and remind her of her past I remembered what Swarit said may be my Father was not a nice man. I dint want to divulge in any more details.
“Ma I had some seniors rag me very badly. I was upset & I dint want to go to college anymore. I thought may be I would have been doing something else & not ragged like this if I were in some other stream. May be you took those looks as hatred. I can never hate you Ma”.
I knew Ma was not convinced but she just said, “Don’t do that again Raaga. I will probably die if the only person in my life starts hating me.” She looked quite sad at the entire episode of what had happened.
“Are you not going to tell me what did they say during ragging” asked Ma when she finally got up & was walking towards the kitchen to make some dinner.
“Now that I think of it, its nothing great Ma. They..they actually asked me to crawl in the campus ground for 15mins. It was embarrassing. Now I feel ok. I am fine.” I had another guilt hit that I was lying & hiding things from Ma, but I just felt its not right to tell her the truth. And about my not going to college I shall be going there from tomorrow so I was ok. There was nothing to tell her about & make her feel worse. As for Swarit I could never tell her that as she would be angry. She had never liked movies or actors. Though as a kid I had watched a few movies with her but as I grew up she had started to hate the actors bandwagon saying all of them were fake & never really could be trusted.
I got up early the next day morning. I had slept early & had slept with Ma in her room. Her presence made me feel better. But I had been disturbed by an early morning dream. I saw Swarit smiling at me.
“Ma how come you are already awake?”, I was surprised to see Ma all ready at 5AM.
“I have already made your breakfast ready Raaga. Don’t forget to eat before you go to college”, she said picking up some fruits & her purse.
“But Ma where are you going so early in the morning?”, I still could not gather a clue.
Ma came to me kissed me on the forehead and said, “Siddhivinyak, to pray for you. I want your journey in college to be good & not difficult. I think in a way I am being selfish. I cant see you like how I saw you a couple of days ago. I don’t have the strength to”, she said while shying her teary eyes away from my gaze.
I felt strange. I was happy. I was sad. I was guilty. All at once. But I dint mind.
I was a little scared to go to college but I was determined to do what I intended to. I got ready, had my breakfast & headed to college.
The group of seniors who had questioned me about my father was right there in front of me as I was entering the college again.
I walked past them. They looked strongly at me but strangely none of them commented on me. They only started at me like Eagles looking at their prey but I really dint want to think twice about why they dint stop me. I just thanked God as I had no answers.
I took notes from Vaibhav. He was a nice guy. I had remembered him from the way he introduced himself the first day of college. He had said, “Hi this is Vaibhav, Vaibhav Patel”. Everyone around had laughed saying he almost thought he was James Bond.
He gave me the notes to cope up for the last couple of days & asked me if I was alright. I told him I was having fever. He offered to drop me home on his bike but I refused. I had other plans.
From then on it became almost a ritual to go to Haji Ali on my way home. I would go there & call Swarit every day. I dint realize what it was costing me, the time I would talk to Ma everyday reduced drastically. I knew I was not giving her enough time & she was all alone in her life but without my knowledge things just kept on moving so fast I had to almost run to keep pace with it.. I think I was in love. He spent hours talking to me. Sometimes he would even call late in the night & I would manage to sneak into my bedroom before bedtime saying I was quite sleepy to Ma & chat with him for a couple of hours. I would also bunk my college & meet him once in a while. I dint make too many friends in college except Vaibhav who would help me with the notes. I had also reduced calling & meeting up with Nafisa. I had not realized how aloof I was getting to the rest of the world in the madness I was in.
Swarit called me for a wedding of his friend after I finshed my 1st year exams. I had done well & Ma allowed me to go to the wedding. I had obviously lied about whose wedding it was to Ma. Swarit met me at 4PM at Churchgate which we had decided as the meeting point. He told me, “Raaga I know that you are really beautiful & that you look lovely in whatever you wear. Please do not take me wrong but I want you to be the prettiest looking girl in the wedding”. I smiled I knew he loved me too.
He asked me to go to a boutique which he knew was well known. He had stopped the car & asked me to get myself a designer dress. “Swarit Ma will ask me where I got this dress from. What should I tell her?” I asked him with an innocent face that I felt would make me more lovable. “Oh, don’t worry about that, here is the cash just buy the dress & you can change on your way back home. We can leave it in my Guest House”, Swarit said smiling like he had found the perfect answer.
I went into the shop & asked for Mihika, the girl Swarit had asked me to meet up with. I told her that Swarit had recommended me to meet her for a designer dress & she quickly helped me. I found the clothes a little too revealing but they fit well on my perfect figure. I was looking quite sexy in the ghagra she had given me with a backless choli. It was quite heavy. I had not looked at too many dresses as I somewhere felt a little guilty that it was Swarit’s money I was using & also that he was waiting for me outside the boutique after which we had to attend his friend’s wedding. I went to the counter to pay & Mihika said, “Its 25K please. What is your name I have’nt quite seen you around before. Who are your parents? Are you studying? Where do you live. You are very beautiful. I rarely get a chance to advice clients like you as they already come with a preset mind of what they want to pick. Here is my card you can actually call me anytime if you want to get something specifically designed. Do you intend to get into modelling?”, I had heard enough of the nonstop talk while I knew Swarit was waiting outside.
“Well Thanks so much Mihika. Here is the cash. I don’t live around here so you haven’t seen me yet. But I wil sure come again. It a lovely dress thanks to you. I do not think of modelling as a career right now but if I do I shall call you. And right now I am in a hurry if you don’t mind.Bye”, I picked up my bags & ran outside. I got into the car & said, “You never told me she is so talkative. I dint realize while she was showing me the clothes but once I was done she dint stop for a second”, and I suddenly giggled like a child saying, “Did you know she wants some models..she was asking if I was interested. HUH!!!”
“Oh, ofcourse she would have asked you no doubt in that, you are so beautiful you would give any actress a run for their money”, and he smiled at me. He made me feel so much more beautiful than I actually was.
“Ok I have the dress but where would I change & get dressed up?”, I was puzzled.
“Where else at my Guest House in Powaii?”, said Swarit in a casual tone.
I was a little hesitant but then I agreed. He got a call & he was busy on the phone conversing with them about a photo shoot for which he could not accommodate any dates. I had a quick glimpse & thought that he loved me..so much more than I had ever dreamt of. I always wanted a Prince in my life I thought. And here was my Prince with whom I was sitting in the car. I was talking to him for hours together & he made sure he gives me the attention. I was lucky. I recollected what he had said about my Ma. He was so kind hearted. He was so knowledgeable from what I gathered the first time I met him. He was generous to the poor of what I had picked up from his conversations. He was handsome & had a killer smile many girls would die for. And here he was sitting with me in the same car right next to me & taking me to a friend’s wedding after gifting me the costliest attire of my life. He had a girlfriend who had broken up with him last year. Our names matched like we were ‘Made for each Other’- Raaga & Swarit. I tried & thought of what my name would be when I got was all single. married to him. I would be Raaga Swarit. His parents were always no hassle & he did not talk much of them for some reason. I had not tried to push him too much on the issue. I was in a dream world that was absolutely true & I was living it.
We reached the Guest house & Swarit had given me a room with all the make up stuff to get ready. “Where did you get all this from?” , I asked him with a look that hinted that I was jealous.
“Don’t worry I picked it up from the mall yesterday & I picked it up for you”, now quickly change we need to go.
I got ready & with all that I had seen my Ma do sometimes at the Beauty Parlour I had quickly learnt. I knew to how do my hair styling & I knew how to wear the right amount of make up.
I could not tie the lower knot of my backless choli & once I finished dressing up I came out of the room to find the maid in the Guest House. I looked around but could not find her. Just as I was about to go back into the room to give it another self trail, Swarit came by & said, “Hey gorgeous!! Are you all ready?? Can we go now?”, I hesitantly nodded my head & said I was looking for the maid. He told me she has gone to get some vegetables.
“Did you need anything? Are you ok?”, he asked me with a voice of concern.
“Aahh..yeah… I am fine. Just that this is a backless choli & I am unable to tie the knot”, I said not looking at Swarit & shying away from him to quickly go into the room.
“If you don’t mind I can help you with that”, said Swarit in a tone I had never heard before.
I turned my back to him like I was in a trance. He tied the knot & gently touched my back by his fingers & brushed them on my neck. I had a stange feeling in entire body like I just wanted to hug him right there. I was all immersed in his thoughts when suddenly he said, “Raaga we are late. We should be quickly making a move or we will be late.”
I picked up my mobile & left my handbag in the room. We walked towards the door & he suddenly kissed me on my cheek & said, “You are looking lovely, I have never seen someone as beautiful as you”. I smiled at him. I hated to think that we had to go to that wedding. I felt like I was already married to him. I wanted to be with him 24/7. I did not think of my Ma or my college or friends or anything else. It was just Swarit on my mind.
We went to the wedding to find some well known people on page 3. It was a different world for me. Swarit introduced me as his friend. They spoke to me well & he spent most of the time by my side. As soon as I started to get nervous when one of the Designers started to ask me personal questions Swarit jumped into the conversation to make me feel comfortable. He just told them,” She is still a very young girl & why do you really want to know?” and then he would smile at them while immediately starting off something new to speak of. It was a closed ceremony so they had made sure that except the 20-25 people around along with the priest there was no one else. There were no journalists or media people to add spice to stories that never existed.
We had our dinner & on my way back Ma called. I was a bit shaken by the call, not because I was scared that I was late but because I then realized that I have been living in an imaginary world for the past few hours. I picked up the call to speak to Ma, “Yes Ma I will be home soon. One of my friend is dropping me back home, don’t worry”. I had told Ma that one of the seniors is getting married & she had invited me & a couple of others to her wedding.
We went back to the Guest House & I told Swarit I had to change back to my old clothes. Swarit said Ok & he sat on the couch after switching on the TV. I went inside & sat down on the bed there. I had a strange feeling in my stomach. It never happened to me before. I had been perspiring in an air conditioned room. I finally picked up strength to change my dress & leave the house as quickly as I could. I got up from my bed to change & I heard a knock on the door. “Swarit??”, I asked while I had a aching feeling in my spine due to the tension that had arised.
“Yes, its me can you open the door for me?”, he said in a low voice.
“I ..i haven’t changed yet”, I told him from behind the door.
“I want to see you now. Can you please open the door”, he was a little demanding this time.
I opened the door & he pushed across the door with a little strength.
“Swarit I think I should go home”, I said not looking at him.
“Yes even I think you should,” he said while he grabbed my wrist.
I felt like I was melting away in his hands. I had no control whatsoever on myself. He kissed me on my neck & it felt like I was not in the existing world. I could not imagine or think of anything else but him. He then kissed me first time on my lips. I had never experienced that feeling before. It was long enough to make me feel that I was already dead & in heaven. He then pulled off slowly. He made me sit down on the bed behind me & slowly started to undress. As my backless choli came off my shoulders, I felt a cold shiver from the air condition in the room. I suddenly got up like I had woken up from sleep. I quickly settled my blouse & said, “Swarit, this is not right”, I knew I was shaken. I loved the feeling of being with him but I remembered Ma. She would be devastated if something happened to me. She trusted me so much.
“Hey Raaga please don’t do this. You will be fine. There is nothing to get scared of. You know me right??”, said Swarit in a convincing tone.
But I was adamant. I quickly rushed to the bathroom & came out after changing from the clothes Swarit had got me. I dint wash my face. I wanted the first kiss to remain with me at least for a few hours. I loved Swarit. When I came out he wasn’t in the room. I picked up my bag & came out to see Swarit sitting in the couch. He was clearly upset. I dint know what to do. “I am sorry”, I said.
“That’s Ok Raaga. Rakesh will leave you home”, he said not looking at me.
I felt bad that he was sending the driver to drop me. But I knew he was a little upset & was sure that he will be alright by the next morning. “Bye Swarit”, I said & he did not respond.
I came home & Ma asked me about how the wedding was. I spoke to her. I was still thinking of Swarit & how he must be feeling, but I was happy that I dint do anything to upset Ma. I realized that she was the most important person in my life.
I tried to sleep till the wee hours after which I finally dozed off for a quick nap of a couple of hours.
As soon as I got up I dialed Swarit. He did not pick up the phone. I reassured myself that he must be sleeping. I went to college & I was trying to call him every one hour. He dint pick up the phone. I waited the entire day & I started getting restless. Strange thoughts crossed my mind & I started to think if he is alright. I tried calling his office. They told me that he was off for a shoot to Jaipur. He had never told me yesterday that he would be going to Jaipur I thought. They had told me he would be back in a week. He was not picking up his phone which he always did. I wanted to wait till the next week & I was sure he would cool down till then.
The days of the week were getting very difficult to pass through. Vaibhav as usual was helping me cope up with stuff I could not concentrate on in the class. As the weekend was nearing, I started feeling a little relieved that I would be back with Swarit soon. I had woven my world around Swarit in the past few months & could now not think of anyone else but him. I had no friends. The sole friend I had was neglected by me. I could not think of calling her now. I was ashamed of myself. I had these realizations when Swarit was not around me. When he had been with me I hated to think of anyone else.
The following week I called Swarit’s office again. He was not there. I had now decided that I had to meet him. I knew his current shoots were finishing at 3 in the afternoon & resuming in the night for a few hours. He would go to his Guest House everyday during the few hours he had.
I left the college early by 1noon. I reached Powaii & walked up to the Guest House. I went inside & the maid told me Swarit would be arriving shortly. I waited in the lobby for Swarit. I got up as soon as I saw his car come by.
He got out of the car but dint quite bother looking at me. “What are you doing here?”, he asked in a tone of disinterest.
“Swarit, I know you are angry. I had been quite stupid but you know what I am sorry. I am sorry about the whole thing”, I then could not stop my tears.
“Its ok but now I have a shoot immediately, so you better leave. Don’t waste your time & just go to college”, he said & walked away.
I sat there for some time waiting to see if he would call me inside. He did not.
I went back home a little dull. It was getting difficult everyday to hide my feelings from Ma. I could not tell her what was happening & dint know how to hide my feelings.
From then on till the next 3 months I would go to the Guest House everyday in the afternoon. The maid asked me Why I was coming when he dint bother about me being there in the hot sun. I saw his friend a couple of times with Swarit, he was Manav Khanna who was the Producer of a lot of Ad films. He was introduced to me in the wedding I had attended. He looked at me many times but did not talk. He had walked away too, just like Swarit.
Then one fine day I got a call from Manav. I was surprised by his call but I was happy as he said he wanted to talk to me about Swarit. I met him at the Coffee Shop in Bandra. He spoke to me for a few minutes & said, “ But I am still surprised, even when he is not bothered about you, why do you keep going to his Guest House. People like me can better take care of you. What do you think?”, he dint look wicked to me but he did look quite cheap in his thoughts. I got up from there & walked away. I loved Swarit & I wanted to get him back. I was now prepared to do anything. It was better than listening to the crap that people like Manav gave me.
I thought about it for a few days & I decided that I prepared to go to any extremes to get Swarit back. After all he was the one I would get married to, so what was the sadness or guilt about. I got up the following day & got all dressed up to see Swarit. I waited till the afternoon & reached his Guest House. I saw a handful of people outside the gate. I wondered what they were doing. As I tried to walk in I was topped by the Security. “Bhaiyya main yahan har roz aati hun, main Swaritji ko jaanti hun” (I come here everyday, I know Swarit) I told the security.
He called Swarit in the Guest House & I was allowed to go in. I saw a few people dressed well & I saw Swarit wearing a Sherwani & I saw a braod smile on his face after a very very long time since I had met him. There was another girl with him in a Ghagra whom he was holding by the waist & I dint like it. I felt quite jealous. They had a few other people around them. I was not sure if I should go forward & speak to Swarit but I was also not sure if I should leave without talking to him. I stood there near the door unable to decide when Swarit saw me.
“Hey Raaga, come over”, he said waving at me. I was a little surprised that he dint mind me coming to his place & also that he was talking to me like he was never upset with me. I smiled & walked towards the group.
“Meet Mishu my fiancée”, he said looking at the girl standing next to him. I dint believe him. I told him “Stop joking Swarit, if she was your fiancée your parents should have been here. I don’t see them”.
The girl standing next to him looked at me quite awkwardly while Swarit told me, “You already know that my parents live in Delhi & Mishu’s parents are in New York. We had a quiet engagement ceremony in Delhi after my shoot in Jaipur. Mishu’s brother Rohan & her Bhabhi Khushi are here. They wanted us to have a few close friends for a get together in Mumbai”, he introduced me to them. I was shocked & could not speak a word. I stood still while the group there took Mishu for a dance. They pulled Swarit but he had injured his leg during the shoot he said & couldn’t dance. They agreed & left him. I dint have tears in my eyes but I was not moving. I dint know what to do. I looked at Swarit who was standing beside me and said, “Have you forgotten all that happened between us. We love each other. How could you do this? Why did you do this?” I was trying to control my tears.
“Raaga, I have not done anything wrong. Did I ever tell you that I love you? I always loved Mishu. She broke up with me but somehow she came back. I dint want to lose her again, so I proposed marriage & she was ready. Comeon Raaga don’t be a spoilt sport now. And don’t worry you deserve a better guy than me.” He said trying to defend himself. I wanted to ask him what does a better guy mean to him but I just could not muster up the courage to speak anymore.
“If it was not love, why did you speak to me everyday? Why did you call me if I was doing ok? Why did you make sure I had my meal 3times a day? If it was not love why dint you want anyone to say anything negative about me? Why Swarit?”, I asked while there was no more control of my tears & they had started to flow.
Swarit looked at me & said, “Its better if you leave right away, I don’t want to create a scene here”, and he walked away to the group.
I came running to the door, gave him another look while he was having fun & not even bothered to look at me and then walked briskly towards the gate.
I took a taxi till Haji Ali. I had no energy to walk up to the station. I went to Haji Ali & cried. I cried till my tears dried. I was sitting in a corner beneath the rock behind the durgah. I finally came out from Haji Ali & reached home late.
“Raaga beta, where have you been? I tried reaching you but you disconnected the phone?, is everything ok?”, Ma asked looking at me. She knew I was not fine.
I ran to hug Ma. I cried like a little girl who had seen a scary dream.
“Raaga, Raaga kya hua? What happened to you? Tell me Raaga..bolo raga what happened?”, ma started to cry as she saw me cry uncontrollably.
“Am sorry Ma. Please forgive me. I have cheated you. I lied to you. I should not have done this. God has punished me for it Ma”, I told her between the sobs.
“Raaga..u cheated me? What did you do? I am getting scared Raaga tell me what happened? Stop crying..stop crying..loook at me Raaga. Stop crying & look at me”, she shouted suddenly. I got scared & stopped crying.
I narrated the entire story to her from how I met Swarit for the first time at the Fashion show to how I met him again after I was ragged at college and how we came close to each other. I told her how I had gone to the wedding with him & how he had tried to come close to me.
Ma was shocked. “You did all this behind my back, when all I did was to trust you. How could you do this to me Raaga. What have I not done for you. Did you think I don’t love you enough?”. She was crying.
“No Ma. Please don’t say things like that. I am sorry Ma. I am so sorry”, I got tensed up looking at Ma. I was scared she might never talk to me again.
“Did did… you do anything wrong Raaga?”, Ma asked hesitantly.
“No..no Ma I dint. I went to convince him today & he is engaged to some one else. I am so sorry Ma” I said crying again.
“Raaga you know what is tearing my heart apart right now? The fact that you dint trust me. You went through so much in your college, but did you come & ask me what the truth is?”, she asked me in a sad tone. She was not crying anymore but she was hurt & it showed in the way she spoke to me.
“Ma I was scared to ask you. You remember I had asked you when I was young & you shouted at me. You told me that we had nothing to do with them & you made me quiet. How could I ask you Ma?”, I tried explaining to her that I assumed that she might get angry.
“Raaga you were a little girl back then. Even if I had tried telling you something you would not have understood. I never realized when you grew up & I forgot that I have to tell you the facts which you have the right to know. Why dint you ask me again Raaga. Even if I shout at you I am your Mother. Don’t I have the right of yelling at you too?”, she stood up for a second thinking she should leave the room & then thoughtfully sat down again.
“I think this is the time to tell you. I know you are heartbroken right now at how things shaped up in life, but I think this is the best time. Its better to take all at once & then the wounds will heal slowly but at the same time. I don’t want you to be hurt again so badly”, she said while taking a sigh.
“What are you saying Ma? What is it that you want tell me?” I asked her. I was now getting curious. Though I had the scene from Swarit’s guest house running around my head like a Roller Coaster I could not stop getting curious about my presence on Earth & my roots. I really wanted to know about my Father.
“Ma..I love it when you call ma Ma. I have always wished & prayed that it has to be true. But what has already happened cannot be undone right?”, she said looking at me.
“Ma what are you…”, she interrupted in between & said “Let me finish Raaga or I might not have the courage to say it”, she said with a heavy voice. She started narrating her past.
“I had a brother Dinu who was working with a lady who dealt with drugs & underworld goons. She also did the dirty business of Prostitution. My brother for the greed of money joined her after my parents died. I had no other option but to be with him. She had agreed for me to stay in the haveli she used to be in but she always had her eyes on me. My brother married Rani a short while later. She was a nice lady but she had seen the big bad world & she knew Didi. I had seen you lying on the road behind the Haveli one day & I picked you up. Dinu wanted you to be out of the house but I begged Didi to let you stay with me. I dint know how such a small tiny life would would survive if she was thrown out.
I was allowed to keep you with me. Dinu tried to get me married to one of the goons & I refused. He used to beat me up like an animal. He was no less than an animal himself after he had joined hands with Didi. You were growing up & had started calling me Ma. I was happy with you & dint want to get married. You started going to school & the discussions of my marriage slowed down. I was happy. I never wanted to get married after I saw how people change after they get married. I had seen my friend burnt up by her in-laws for dowry, I knew I could not get a decent husband because of the business my brother was in and I could not find someone myself as no one would get married to a girl who had a daughter. I loved you, I could never leave you alone. Then one fine day Rani came & told me that they were talking about me & you. They were discussing that I am growing old and not many would be interested in me. They were looking at you to grow up quickly. They knew you were already around 10years old by then. Then I decided I could not keep you in that place for any longer. I had to run. I had to leave the place. Rani had managed to speak to a man she knew so that he could meet us in Mumbai & help with some accommodation. I came here one night & I made you my world. I have not thought of my brother even once. He would have thought of harming you. Once you came into my arms for the first time, I had a strange attachment which I could not shrug off from. I have been living for you Raaga. I have no one else except you. You are my lifeline”. She hugged me & she cried.
I got up after a while and made her khichdi which she taught me saying it was easy. I sat with her & had dinner. I fed her that day. She had cried so much she fell asleep soon, I hoped so.
I was lying beside her but could not sleep. I could not imagine that my Ma was not my Ma. My whole world was not completely shattered, though for a moment I felt the jolt of thunder striking right on my head but I recovered. I recovered thinking how small my problems were compared to my Ma’s. She had not been married, I was an orphan. She gave me all the love in the world. She never treated me as a burden, though all her problems were created because of me. My problem & my heartbreak looked so trivial in front of what she had gone through.
I could not sleep, Ma had slept probably because there was a burden off her heart that she had told me the truth finally. I got up to go to the college. I dint have enough sleep & my head was aching. I had too much to take. I had decide the previous night that I would concentrate on my studies & never trouble Ma again. I kissed Ma before I left to college & she went to her parlour.
I saw that Vaibhav had not come to the college that day. I dint speak to anyone & was quiet. I attended my classes though I had thoughts running like wild horses in my head. I tried to concentrate. After the college finished for the day I saw a group of my classmates who approached me.
“Hi”, they said in chorus. I was not really sure if they were there to talk to me or to bully me so I quietly smiled at them & stood there.
“Vaibhav is not going to come to college for the next 3days”, said one girl.
“Oh ok. Do you know why?”, I asked looking at her.
“Its his sister’s wedding in Ahmedabad, you can take all the notes that you want from us”, she said with a smile.
“Yes, Vaibhav told us to help you when you are back in college. Hes a very nice guy & very helpful”, said another guy.
They then introduced themselves as Shikha, Sameer, Tarun, Vishal, Ritu & Rishi.
“Its nice to meet all of you”. I tried to smile. I liked all of them but somehow I was not in a mood to talk to them.
“Can I borrow the notes that I have missed in the past few days from you?”, I asked doubtfully not knowing if they would help me.
“Yeah sure. Take them for any number of days that you want” said Rishi while pulling Ritu’s notes.
“Do you want to join us for lunch? You must have not been to the canteen here for sure. The samosas are awesome”, said the chubby Vishal.
“You always keep talking about food, Vishal. Have you seen the new boutique that opened outside the college Raaga?”, asked Shikha. She looked as though she was expecting a Yes from me. She looked like the most fashion conscious female I had seen around college. She looked quite hep.
“Ok guys!! Stop it. She wont even talk to us from tomorrow if we behave like this the first time we are meeting her”, said Sameer. He looked like a disciplinarian. He was quite good looking too which I noticed at a later stage.
“I will go home now. Ritu can I return your notes day after tomorrow? Sorry for the trouble”, I said genuinely as I was troubling someone else for my mistake of skipping classes.
We said Bye to each other & I headed back home. I called Nafisa on my way back. She picked the phone & I cried. She told me she would come to my house immediately. I reached home & Ma was still at the parlour. After a few minutes Nafisa reached home. She was so worried about me. She asked me what had happened & I told her about Swarit. She shouted at me for being so dumb. She then hugged me & she pulled out the Pizza she had picked up on her way to my house.
I was glad I spent time with Nafisa. She lied to her mom over the phone that she was held up in traffic & had dinner at my place. She had called her dad & told him that she is staying over at my place. Her Dad was mostly out station but was a nice man. I spoke to Uncle & requested him to allow her to stay with me. He was to tell her Mom about the stay but she cautioned him not to mention my name else her mom would have been furious. He agreed & disconnected the phone. We chatted for long about how life had changed in such a short span. I apologized to her about my behavior of not calling her & not keeping in touch. She laughed & said that I would not forget her for the rest of my life. Ma was happy that I was back to my normal self. It was not easy. I still loved Swarit in some corner of my heart. I was not sure why he behaved like that. I was sure he loved me too otherwise he would not have been such a nice person, except for the last day till we had the problem after which he stopped talking to me. I dint discuss that with Nafisa as she would have been angry. I wanted to call him many times but shut the thoughts from my mind.
I spent most my time studying. I was nearing the end of 2nd year & I had a lot to cope up with. I got good friends in Vaibhav & rest of the group. Rishi & Tarun were the naughtiest of the lot. Shikha was so fashion conscious that all of us would be pulling her leg once in a while. I never spoke about my father nor did any of them ask me. They knew I loved my Ma & once in a while they would all come home.
I travelled to their houses too for combined studies sometimes but mostly I did my own. I secured a decent percentage in my 2nd year but I was not happy. I wanted to get more marks. I became the most studious person in the class. I attended every class without fail. I was the favourite among the lecturers.
I dint even realize when we were nearing our Final year. We had spent almost 5years in that college & time had just flown. Nafisa would join us most of the time. We all had great fun. Nafisa was proposed by Sameer. He was a lovely guy & she had accepted. They had decided they would get married once they finish their MD degrees. Both sides it was not very diffuclt to convince except for Nafisa’s Mom. Her Dad managed to convince her Mom anyways. Sameer’s parents loved Nafisa. They loved our entire group infact.
I wanted to do my MD too but Ma had already given up her parlour & was working in another parlour. I felt sad for it & though I had started giving tuitions to school children, it was not enough for my education any further. Ma was still unaware that I could not do anything much for her unless I do my MD. I was sitting on the couch & thinking of what to do when I got a call from Vaibhav. He wanted to meet me immediately.
I met him at his place in Santa Cruz. He had a lovely house. His father was a contractor.
“Come in Raaga, so all set for your final exams?”, asked Aunty very sweetly. I used to like her so much. She cared for all of us just like her own son & she would prepare the lovely dhoklas whenever we wanted.
“Yes Aunty, Vaibhav called me home. Where is he?”, I asked when I dint find him.
“Go into his room Raaga, he must be there. I hope he is studying. If he is not please give a little of your knowledge to him too. He dint tell me that you were coming else I would have managed to make some Dhoklas beta.”, she said walking into the kitchen.
“No aunty its fine. And Aunty Vaibhav is much more intelligent than me. You will see him as a Famous Doctor in Mumbai. He will set up his own clinic soon”, I said while walking to Vaibhav’s room.
“Oye..why are you sitting like that alone? And why are you not studying? Why did you ask me to come to your house immediately? Is everything alright?”, I asked as I knew answers to none of the questions.
“Shut up Raaga..tu 2mintues chup chaap baith nahi sakti?(Cant you sit quietly for 2 minutes?)”, he said while hitting me with a pen in his hand.
“Vaibhav, you know I don’t talk much I was just worried what happened to you & you want me to shut up..?? Fine.. chalo Bye”, I said walking out of his room.
“I think I love you”, he said palying a videogame in his mobile.
“You what??”, I said turning back.
“I said I think I love you”, he was still on his video game.
“Shut up vaibhav. Stop joking. Bol kya kaam hai?” (tell me wat work you have with me?), I said smiling at him.
“I am not joking yaar. Why should I be joking with a silly studious person like you?”, he said looking at me. He had stopped playing the game.
“haha..sorry that was a rotten joke Vaibhav. Bye”, I said again walking out of the room.
“Hey..hey hey..”, he said jumping in front of me & holding my hand.
“Come sit down. Listen. I liked you the first day I saw you. Why do you think I was so helpful to you with the classes you missed. I always liked you. I just wanted to make sure it was love & never expressed it until now. We are grown ups now & I really really love you. What do you want me to do to prove it to you?”, he said with a slight seriousness in his face.
I smiled at him & said,” Go & tell Aunty now”.
He got up walked into the kitchen & was standing in front of his Mom. I was joking & he had taken it serisouly. My heart almost sank. When he looked at his Mom & said, “Ma, how would you like Raaga as your bahu? I have asked her but she thinks am joking. May be if you say yes she might take it serisouly & agree”, he said smiling at his Mom.
“Raaga?? I have always liked her so much. I will thank god for giving you such brain that you picked up such a lovely girl as your bride”, she said putting a laddoo in Vaibhav’s mouth she had made for him. He liked sweets & Aunty would make them herself.
I was quite embarrassed & I said, “Shut up Vaibhav, kuch bhi bolte ho” (You don’t think enough when you say something).” Ok am leaving now I will see you tomorrow at Nafi & Sam’s enagement.”
Nafi & Sam as we fondly called them were getting engaged. Their parents had agreed & hence wanted them to be engaged, they said they are ok to wait for the wedding to happen a little later but the engagement had to happen.
I came home & told Ma. I was not sure Vaibhav was serious about what he said. She had said, “wait till you feel he is serious. But if he is, then what? Do you really like him?”, she had popped the question & I had not expected this from her.
“I don’t know Ma. Right now, after my exams I want to reach my aim of becoming a Doctor. We attended the engagement the next day & I knew Vaibhav was serious about me. He was looking at me staright into my eyes & I was doing all possible things to avoid his gaze. I had never felt that look from Vaibhav earlier thought Ritu & Shikha had always told me he probably liked me.
We had our exams nearing & we all did well. We had a little fun after the exams for a few days & then the results were out soon. It felt like just yesterday we had joined the college & had ourselves ragged by our Seniors & we already had been given a farewell by the Juniors.
I had got the maximum percentage in the college among the entire batch & the Principal had personally called me & congratulated me. He offered a scholarship for me to do my MD, if I was interested. He knew I could not afford the fee for my further education. My happiness knew no bounds.
I came out of the Principal’s office & cried. They were the tears of Joy. I called Ma & told her immediately she was happy too & blessed me over the phone. She said she was going to Siddhi Vinayak. She always went there as soon as she heard something good or if she wanted some good to happen.
All of us went out for lunch. All of us had done well in our exams including Nafisa from her college.
As we were about to finish lunch, there was a group of waiters from the restaurant who approached me. I was sitting at the corner of the table. They brought me a small cake. I was surprised. It was not my birthday. They all said ,” Please say Yes”, I looked at our gang & all of them said, “Please say Yes”. I dint quite understand & then it striked me. It was Vaibhav. I looked at him & he came out of his chair kneeling down in front of me with a rose that he picked up from the table asked me the question.. “Will you marry me?”
I was a little pleased a little surprised, a little angry. All the emotions were running through me like a wave & I dint know what to say. “We need to talk to our elders”, I said blushing.
“offo..Mummy papa..chacha chichi..we will ask everyone..but have you said Yes?”, said Rishi.
Vaibhav had the look as though he was just living the life to listen a Yes from me. “Yes”, I said looking at him. I was so embarrassed when everyone there started clapping for us.
I spoke to Vaibhav that day for a real long time sitting at the Chopatti (near the beach). I told him about myself & ma. I told him about Swarit & how hurt I was. He said he was more interested in me as a person & not where I come from. He also said that for him it is important to know that I love him today. I told him I did. I told him how important Ma was to me & that I wanted her to live with me.
Vaibhav said that it might get a little difficult on that but he will make sure that we stay close enough to my Ma so I can meet her every day. I was happy that he understood.
I went home with Vaibhav & met Ma. Ma was happy & she had tears in her eyes. She said she would be going to Siddhi Vinayak the next day & I smiled at her. She asked Vaibhav if his parents would be ok about it & he said that his parents are not very troublesome.
As he said his parents were happy to accept me as their daughter-in-law. I was so happy. Aunty kissed me on my forehead & said that we are happy that Vaibhav picked Raaga. It was like a dream. Everything was moving so perfectly. We had decided that we will be getting married only after we finish our studies & settle down which might take another 4years. Our parents dint mind & we were happy too.
A few days later when we had been allocated our colleges.
“ Hello”, I said thinking it was Vaibhav trying to reach me from another number.
“Raaga..how are you?” I immediately recognized. I got a call from Swarit. I had erased his number to ensure that I do not have the urge to call him now & then.
“I am fine. How are you?”, I said not knowing what to ask him.
“can I meet you?”, he said. He sounded like he was upset.
“What happened?”, I asked as I suddenly felt a gush of pain that surrounded me.
“I need to meet you first”, he said. Can you come over to Haji Ali? The place that you love. I shall meet you there at 5Pm.”, he said
“Ok.” I told him. I don’t know why I said that.
It was 10AM then. I knew I could not tell Vaibhav about it. I knew I could not tell Ma or Nafisa. I was not sure what I had to do. I had this strong feeling of going & asking him..Why he did this to me..
I knew I wanted to go. I waited till 4 & told Ma I had to go out. I went to Haji Ali by 4.45PM. I saw Swarit’s car approaching & I quickly walked on the road to reach the durgah. I then hid behind the stone in the corner. He had put on weight. I had not heard any news about him in a real long time after I got busy with my studies. I was looking at him waiting for me. Then I slowly walked away from the place. I wanted a few answers from him, but now the answers dint matter. The people who mattered were Ma & Vaibhav. They trusted me & loved me genuinely. I could not afford to break their trust, atleast now. I found it hard to walk away but strangely I did.
I went to a mobile phone store & told him I wanted to change my mobile number.
From that day I did not hear from Swarit again. I did not give him a chance. I decided that there was no point in clarifying what had happened or why it had happened. I was happy with Vaibhav. He loved me. I was lucky to have in-laws like his parents & my Ma was happy.
Both of us finished our MD degrees & so did Nafisa & Sam. Ritu got married to an Engineer in California & moved there. She had decided to pursue her further education there. Shikha also got engaged to a family friend of hers who was in the Navy. She looked completey in love with him & she was not sure if she wanted to do anything except taking care of their children. Rishi moved to New York to study further. Tarun had tarted his own clinic with his Dad’s money. Vishal started working for in Delhi for Apollo Indraprastha.
Me & Vaibhav joined the Lilavati Hospital. He joined the Cardiac team & I had specialized in Pediatrics. We decided that we will have a get together once every year, we have been following it religiously till date.
Vaibhav & me have done well over the years to be incharge of the departments we have specialized in. We are married for 8 years now. Have a lovely daughter Deeksha, who is 5years old. My Ma stays close to our house & takes care of Disha. My in-laws are accommodating & very understanding. We would be soon starting off a hospital in Ahmedabad. His Dad wanted it to be named after his Dad. I am hopeful that life would give me many more pleasant surprises & that God & my Ma’s Siddhi Vinayak is always there with us blessing us.
Life brings many ups & downs. It looks like a bed of roses at times & sometimes it feels like its killing us. Sometimes we start to think Why me? & the next moment we start to think Why NOT me? Its just the choices that we make sometimes. Sometimes its God’s way of teaching us a lesson or showing us light.
There is always a new Dawn, we just need to look forward to it!!

Before I closed the book, I cut the news headline from the local paper & read it again, “Swarit Sinha dies of Cancer in Delhi”. I folded it and kept it in the book I had written over a few months. My eyes were moist again. He was my first love.