Dil Hai ki Manta Nahi : By Lavanya R

Episode 1:

“Hi, I am Ross, VP North America sales, Oracle”

We shook hands as I blurted out “Hi, I am Janani, Director of Projects, eSpot”.

I could barely get those words out of my mouth. I stared at him with eyes wide open. Who are you? Ross looked dashingly handsome in a white shirt with a blue striped tie and a grey suit that fit him well. His hair was neatly brushed and was intact , thanks to his gel. I could smell the faint musk perfume filling the air around him. He had a child like smile. Eyes attentive and a touch that was warm and pleasing.

“Ja-naan-i, sorry am I getting it right” he looked directly into my eyes.

“Ja-na-ni, almost right and I can live with that”, I tried correcting him. We both smiled at each other.

Just then my CIO walked into the room with another round of introductions and I sat down to pull up my presentation I had for this meeting. Second week into this company and I had a lot at stake. My CIO had started trusting my decisions and I was in all the big meetings that involved making decisions. I was working on this global project eSpot had initiated and because of my experience with working with teams that are globally involved and thanks to my good track record of delivering projects, I was roped into this company.

The meeting kicked off with slides covering the current business process of eSpot, what the company had done the last 10 years and the CEO’s strategy to do global ecommerce business and eSpot’s strategic vision to expand globally. The latter half of the slides covered information on how Oracle or its competitor could help us achieve our strategic vision. A number of questions were asked and I noticed that most of them came from the technical team. Ross probably spoke up one time.

Through the corner of my eye I noticed that he was busy on his laptop typing away. It was pretty distracting, but I couldn’t say much for all I knew he was taking notes.

The meeting ended well, with a promise from Oracle that they will get abck to us with cost estimates in a week’s time. That is very aggressive timeline considering our business model is pretty complex. I just shrugged at my boss when we were the last ones in the conference room.

“What do you think?” he asked

“Well, its wait and watch. We do have other people lined up with some competitive quotes, so I am hoping that we will make the right decision” I said as I unplugged the projector and turned it off.

“Great job, by the way. You are a champ”. I smiled at myself, considering it came from a person who was not convinced that I was a right fit for the organization. I remembered the day when I got a call from a consultant I had worked in the past asking me if I was ready to take the next big step. I had managed multiple projects but was never the Director of projects making strategic decisions. My gut had never failed me, the consultant knew that. He sold me the position that opened with eSpot and urged me to consider it. I didn’t have anything to lose. The commute was shorter and hence I accepted to be interviewed. The following week, I was dressed in a black pencil skirt, a pink blouse and a cream jacket that contrasted the color of my skirt. That was my lucky skirt and I knew I needed them for any interview I went.

The interview was intense with three VPs, two directors and CIO interviewing me. After a grilling three rounds of interviews that pretty much touched all I had done in 10 years of my career, the CIO had one question “I am not convinced on why you will join us if I made you the offer”

I smiled my famous smile, looked up at him, tapping the dry eraser marker on my palm “ If I cannot convince you, then probably I cannot convince anyone in this organization and you should surely not hire me if I haven’t convince you enough. But the only way to convince you would be to show you I can accept the offer and to be able to do that, you have to make me an offer. See, after all there is not easy way to convince a CIO, is there”. Not sure if it was my smile, or my skirt or my head strong answer, but he did make an offer and here I was three weeks form that day, hearing him say that I was a champ. I was happy.

End of Episode 1

Episode 2:

I collected all my belongings and went back to my office. I laid down my water cantina, laptop, and a bunch of business cards. I skimmed through the cards one more time trying to see if I remembered all the faces. And then I stopped at one card which read - Ross Croteau. Croteau, hmmm is that French or Swiss, French I suppose. I put the cards aside and fired up my laptop. 134 emails while I was gone for the two hour meeting, god, what is my team up to. I got through all the 134 emails and when I looked at my watch, it was 5:30.

I had completely lost track of time. I quickly shut my laptop, grabbed my cell phone and stowed everything in my bad and headed out. I walked out of the revolving doors and into the parking lot. A warm breeze slowly fluttered by gently swaying my hair. It was just the first week of May and the state was warming up well for a beautiful summer. I turned on my car and looked at my rear view mirror before pulling out of the parking lot. The commute was surely short and I was enjoying it. It was fifteen minutes from my work to my daughter’s school. Not bad at all.

I pulled into the parking lot of the school, locked my car and punched in the passcode of the school. There she was my daughter Ananya. She saw me and smiled and jumped out of her chair to run and give me a hug. She started rattling off about her day, how she was, what she did, how she enjoyed playing with Marissa and on and on. We looked at her school work and laughed at her scribble scrabble handwriting and then grabbed her bag and jacket and headed home.

Ananya and I love cooking together. She is my little helper suggesting recipes, peeling and washing vegetables. We both cooked a warm meal and topped it off with a refreshing watermelon juice. I looked at the clock and it was 7 PM. Deepak will be home any time now. Ananya and I sat down to look at some baby pictures of hers. Deepak pulled into the garage ten minutes later. He walked in and Ananya ran to hug and kiss him. “Daddy, we have an open house at my school next week” . Deepak gave a “wow that is awesome” kind of expression and hugged her. He looked up and saw me setting up the table for dinner.

“How was your day, sweetheart” he asked as he kissed me on my shoulder from behind.

“Same thing every day, no different”

“Do you like your new job?”

“Of course, I love it” I replied, the tone of my voice agreeing with my words.

Dinner was over and the dirty dishes had made their way to the dishwasher and Ananya and I settled down to read a bed time story. It was everyday regime and it was one thing that calmed me down and made me bond perfectly with my daughter.

Turning off the light in Ananya’s room and kissing her on her forehead, I stepped into the living room. I took my laptop out of my bag and turned it on. There was no denying that I loved my work and I was a workaholic. There were times when Deepak and I would go weeks without talking much. We didn’t know what was happening in each other’s life. And I do think a part of me did not want to talk much either. Somehow Deepak did not have a wow factor that was clearly missing in our relationship and I knew it was bothering me deep inside. “I don’t need a wow factor” I would brush away my thoughts. But I couldn’t over look that any more. We were clearly far away in thoughts, attitudes, lifestyles and personality. Opposites attract but can opposites stick around for years and grow old together? Every discussion would end up in a fight simply because I felt Deepak was not good enough for me. His dumb and baseless arguments were not working for me. And his constant cribbing about how I was always busy and flying out for work was only putting me off. I was always making it up to him while I was gone on business trips or working for late hours, but I felt that I was missing my fundamental support system.

Deepak and I were married for six years with a three year old daughter. We had great technology jobs, a beautiful home and great friends around. For someone looking at us, we were the picture perfect couple with a great life. But things were turbulent, especially for me. Deepak could care less about what our arguments were. All he knew was he loved me immensely and could do anything for me. I didn’t know why I was so accommodating. All I knew was I was not happy and I for once wanted to be happy.

I suddenly remembered that one incident with my colleague on how I was bragging about the great arranged marriage system in India and how it worked for my parents for thirty seven years and how I was so happy for six years in an arranged marriage and asked him what was wrong with American weddings and why would people get divorced at the drop of a hat. I wearily smiled at myself. My email exchange server was getting refreshed and the refresh brought 37 emails in my inbox. The first one that caught my sight was the one which said Sender: Ross Croteau. Oh the vendors and their stalking. It was never going to stop. I opened the email.

End of Episode 2.

Episode 3:

Dear Janani

Thanks for your time today. We had a great meeting and had a lot to take away. A couple of requests coming your way. In order to make this estimation process more fruitful, pelase can you share with us the following:

1) The presentation from today’s meeting

2) Subject matter expert contact details

3) A high level timeline

And is it possible for us to get together for an hour tomorrow to go over a couple fo follow up questions we have

Appreciate your help

Ross Croteau

VP North America Sales, Oracle Inc

I heaved a heavy sigh and clicked on Reply button. It was a long response. I toggled back and forth between my email and calendar. The only open slot I could see was during my lunch time. I wasn’t sure if that would work with him but nevertheless gave him my available time slots and clicked on send. Within a couple of minutes I saw his email. He was willing to sacrifice his lunch time to meet with me. What a bummer, I was hoping to get out of this but now I was trapped.

The following day, I packed myself a sandwich for lunch. Sandwich is easy; I can eat it on my way to the meetings without being late. The day is swarmed with meetings. I just kept running between meetings.

At 11:45 my cell phone rang. The receptionist called “Janani, I have a visitor for you”. “I will be there in ten minutes”.

Fifteen minutes later, I was in the lobby to meet my unwanted guest. “ I could seriously use this time to meet with my team. I have not been able to spend thirty minutes with them. This is not good”. As these thoughts lingered in my brain, I walked upto my visitor who was standing tall, beaming with a smile.

His right hand extended towards me “Nice to see you again”. I gently shake his hand and smile back “yes, we meet again”.

“Do you want to make this a working lunch session, may be we can grab a bite in a restaurant close by?”

“Ah, I think I am good” I stutter.

“I insist, let me make this upto you for taking away your lunch hour” Ross insisted. I just hated when vendors tried to buy my time by offering to feed me. But he was persistent and I didn’t want to come across like an arrogant child. I agreed. I wanted to step back into my office to grab my car keys, but Ross smiled at me pointing to his keys in his hands. I just shrugged an OK. We both silently walked towards the doors that opened to the visitor parking lot. His musk deodorant still followed him. I just couldn’t help but take a deeper breath of his perfume. It was refreshing. He pointed his keys towards an immaculately clean black BMW Z4 series and it clicked open. Ross opened the door for me and I slipped into the car. I suddenly realized that I was wearing a skirt which was slightly above my knees and now that I was sitting in a sports car, it was at a level that was not acceptable to me. I tried pulling it down but of no use. I didn’t have my bag to hide my skin that was showing off in an undesirable manner. I gave up. Ross came around and opened the door and sat next to me. He started the car.

It was only then I noticed that the car was clean, fresh and smelled of Jasmine. It took me down to my childhood memories of wearing jasmine in my braids.

“So where do you want to eat?” Ross’s question brought me back to the present day.

“I am a vegetarian, so any place that serves some green vegetables should be good”

“Ha, vegetarian, that is interesting. I am looking forward for some interesting conversation in the next hour. I know a great soup and sandwich place right around the corner. I am sure you will like it”

“I am sure”

End of Episode 3.

Episode 4:

Ross started talking about how familiar he was with this place. He worked in this neighborhood few years ago and practically knew every joint in the radius of five miles. And I let out my little secret of just being a week old in this company. His jaw literally dropped.

“I have to confess, from your presentation yesterday, I thought you have spent at least a decade here. It’s amazing how fast you can come up to speed”

I chuckled and smiled. I realized I cannot take such compliments very well. Our drive lasted less than seven minutes. And all during the seven minutes I noticed that Ross was either looking at the road or straight into my eyes. He did not make me feel uncomfortable with my whole dress situation. We pulled into this semi fast food place and there was a decent line ahead of us. I took one of the menu lying on the table. It was an easy choice for me –tomato mozzarella with pesto sauce sandwich and split peas soup. Ross ordered a roast beef sandwich with a bag of chips. We sat down and began to talk.

“I have done my research about this project. I understand you guys have an unlimited number of licenses from another company, not mentioning names here, for a ridiculous amount of money. And for Oracle to give you software of that magnitude will cost you at least 50% more. I also understand that you and your team are well aware of this fact. So coming to the point directly, please help me understand, why would eSpot even bring Oracle to the table and have this conversation?”

I looked at Ross with my jaw literally touching the floor. I did not see this coming. I was told that it was confidential and Oracle had no clue of what deal we had with its competitor and here I was,sitting with the VP of Oracle and justifying why Oracle should bid.

“I simply see no way how we can break into this account” Ross was right. I felt terrible at that time. But I regained my senses “If you had no chance, why do you think we spent hours preparing material for your team and walking you through our project plan and why am I sitting here wasting my lunch hour. The decision to involve Oracle is very strategic. Again, without taking names, all I can say is someone in the Senior management wants to see Oracle’s offering and has a strong inclination towards your product. Now you go figure”

Ross smiled and nodded digging into his sandwich. I closed my eyes for a quick second and when I opened my eyes, my voice was much softer and friendly. With a touch of warmth I tried to explain” I do understand Oracle’s position is weak but there is a lot more working for you right now. I cannot tell more, but all I can say is the tide can go either way”.

Ross was not talking, he was not looking at me, he was looking down at his plate, at first I thought. But he was looking at nothing, he was spaced out. He narrowed his eyes and asked “What does your boss want?”

“My boss wants what is in the best interest of the company”

“What do you want?”

“I want what my boss wants” I said almost immediately.

“Well, in that case, help me understand some of the pain points the company’s work flow has”

Ross’s question took us into a deep dive of the ins and outs of the company, its structure, operations and work flows. I knew that Ross had signed an NDA and hence I could share a lot of proprietary information with him.

“Are you sure you joined this company last week? You seem to know so much”.

I smiled

“How I wish I had met you before and I could have hired you for my company?’ Ross was sincere in his statement

“Well, I don’t like to work for a technology company” I regretted saying that. Who knew what was in store for me in future. For all you know I could end up working for Ross

“Smart thinking” Ross raised his glass of water towards me.

It was almost One o’clock, when we were done both with our lunch. Ross offered to drop me back. And this time when I slipped back into the car, I did not bother tugging the seam of my skirt.

Ross dropped me at the parking lot. I unbuckled myself and looked up at him. He was smiling at me. I smiled back.

“Thanks for the lunch, it was indeed awesome”

“Anytime. Thanks for the inputs, this is reassuring. I will see you around soon”

I got out and closed the door behind me and walked through the revolving doors. Ross waited till I got into the building and then drove out. The rest of the day was uneventful. I got busy meeting with my team, updating the project portfolios and sending out gazillion emails. Ross’s face kept flashing in front of me every now and then. He had a very charming personality. I knew he was smart and enthusiastic and knew his game very well. I was clearly impressed and that was rare. At four, I took a deep breath and looked at my watch. Good, another hour and I can get through a lot more. My eyes suddenly stopped at the deck of the business cards from yesterday. I quickly went through them one more time trying to remember the faces. And that one card I spent more time than I should have – Ross Croteau.

Later in the evening Ananya and I set down the pan and batter to make some pancakes. “Breakfast for dinner.” she squealed with excitement. I made her sit at the breakfast bar and put a plate in front of her and down came 2 pancakes stacked one over the other ,topped with bananas and strawberries. I drizzled the maple syrup as her eyes glared at the flow of the syrup. She slowly licked the maple syrup that was trickling down the pancakes, closed her eyes and said “Yum”. Deepak was home as usual at seven. He did not like pancakes so he set out to make his salad for dinner. I felt hurt for not being appreciated for my efforts for dinner. But this was not the first time, so I brushed aside my feelings and made way for him to make his salad.

Ananya was ready to go to bed and I tucked her in and gave her a long kiss on her cheek. She gave me something to look forward to each day. I went back to our bedroom, changed in to my pajamas and fired up my laptop. I quickly skimmed through the ‘not so many’ emails. Four of the emails needed follow up tomorrow so I marked them for follow up. And just when I was getting ready to close one last email made into my inbox. It was from Ross.

End of episode 4

Episode 5:

Subject: Thank you!!!

Dear Janani

Thanks for all the information you shared today. It is greatly appreciated. My research and gut both say that we are getting this account against all odds. So get ready to see more of me. Five more days before we submit the quote. Fingers crossed and get ready to be surprised.

Thank you

Ross Croteau

VP North America Sales, Oracle Inc

I smiled at the email. He must be smoking, how on earth he thinks he has a chance with this project. Anyways, all I could manage was:

All the best and see you in 5 days. May the best team win.

Janani

Director IT , eSPot

The next few days swung by life few minutes. Nothing had changed, neither at work and nor at home. Deepak loves me a lot, I know that and of course he shows it too. He is always cuddling, kissing, caressing my hair, tells me how beautiful I am, always wanting to make love to me. But why was I feeling that we were silently drifting apart. He was all of that but was not good enough for me. What did that mean? He was not the one who surprised me with his intelligence and charm. Deepak is atrociously predictable, needed coaxing on every small thing and needed babysitting. Basically he was another baby to me. I could never think of sitting back and relaxing and know in the back of my mind that he was there to take care of it. It never happened. Or was I too much of a control freak? This thought crossed my mind several times but I also remember the occasions when I let him take care of things and he simply didn’t come through. Is my expectation of him to be smart enough too much to ask?

Deepak pulled out his right hand, which was still in between my thighs, and gently placed it over my hips and cuddled around me. Within a few minutes I could hear his gentle snoring. I closed my eyes without letting any anger or guilt seep into my heart.

It must have been around midnight when I heard my phone buzz. I woke up and looked at the digital clock. It was 12:10 AM. I had hard time opening my eyes. My eyes were hurting. Without turning on the light, I gently moved Deepak’s hand and rolled over to reach out for my phone. I had a text message in my inbox from an unknown number.

'I need to talk to you now. Please open the door'

My heart missed several beats and now it was pacing fast. Who could this be and why does this person want to meet at this odd hour? And what is he/she doing outside my home? I gathered courage and texted back

'Who is this?'

And what I saw on my screen after 10 seconds was unbelievable

'Ross'

End of episode 5

Episode 6:

My jaw dropped and my eyes widened. I didn’t know what to do. My palms were suddenly sweaty and my heart was in my mouth. I slowly got out of bed without waking up Deepak and slowly walked towards the bedroom door. I slowly opened the door and stepped into the hallway. I didn’t know what I was doing but kept walking towards the front door. I atleast wanted to see if the text was a hoax. I turned on the light of my front door. I took a deep breath and looked through the door hole. He was true; he was at my door step. I wasn’t sure if I should open the door. Seconds passed like minutes. I wasn’t sure how long I had stood there. I was completely shaken. I decided to listen to the voice in my head. My hand slowly moved up to the door knob. Slowly turning the door knob, I gently opened the door.

“Hi” he murmured as a small sheepish smile crossed his face

“Hi” I replied back barely able to hear myself. The frown on my face and my narrow eyes asked him the obvious question.

“This sounds funny and embarrassing, but I have not been able to stop thinking of you all week and today, I couldn’t hold myself back any more. I had to meet you. Sorry to bother you at this time, but I just couldn’t…..”

He didn’t have to finish his line. I didn’t see any of this coming. I didn’t know what to say. I stood there in front of him, lifeless. I suddenly started feeling dizzy. My mouth was dry and I could not find my voice.

Ross stood in front of me tall, handsome, deep sparkly eyes, his hair brushed back and set in gel and smelled the musky smell that I adored. Is it even legal to be this handsome? I suddenly started thinking, what did I do to provoke these feelings in him? I could think of none. Was it my short skirt I wore when we went out for lunch or the silly smile I gave him when he dropped me back? I just couldn’t fathom any of this.

And just as I stood in front of him, lifeless with a million questions churning in my brain, he stepped towards me and held out his hand and gently took my hand. His warm and soft fingers touched mine. His left hand was gently holding the tip of my fingers. His thumb was moving back and forth my fingers and now was touching my knuckles.

“I know this is overwhelming, but so is it for me. I have never been smitten by anyone like this before. I just want to see you all day, talk to you all the time and just hold your hands all day. That is the effect you have on me. I have never done anything as crazy as this – to show up in front of a girl’s house this time of the hour. Please don’t say anything. I just want you to think about this. I just want you to feel what I feel. The myriad of emotions that I am experiencing right now is going to drive me crazy. “

As he said those words, he ran his fingers through his hair and then looked up at me. He moved one more step closer to me, took my other hand and held both my hands between us and gently kissed the tips of my fingers. A chill passed through my spine. I don’t know what he was doing. I wanted to say “NO” but I couldn’t find my voice, I wanted to say “STOP” but I couldn’t feel my nerves to pull back my hands. I just stood there looking into his eyes. The color in my face drained and I stood there completely stoic .

Ross gently dropped my hands and his hands gently moved towards my face. He took one of my hair strands and placed it behind my ear and his palm gently touched my cheek. Every muscle in my body stiffened. I came to my senses and knew what was coming towards me. His hand moved down towards my jaw, when I placed my hand on his in a pretext to remove his hand.

As soon as I succeeded in doing that, Ross in a fraction of second, put his left arm around my waist and pulled me close to his chest and before I knew his right hand was caressing my face and his fingers slowly touching my lower lip. I could barley breathe now. I tried to step back but Ross had a strong hold on me. He held my chin between his thumb and index finger and gently raised it to point towards his chin. He bent down and moved his lips closer to mine. I closed my eyes in a reflex action.

He was so close that I could hear his breathing, feel his warm breath on my face and pulling me even closer, he said “You are so beautiful Janani” He gently pressed his lips against mine. His upper lip touched my lower lip. He planted a gentle kiss on my lower lip and then moved on to kiss my upper lip and now he was kissing both my lips. He kissed me multiple times. He kissed the corner of my mouth and kissed my left cheek. I felt his nose on my cheek and forehead on mine indicating a sense of relief and happiness. He looked at me and his right hand fingers slowly making their way into my hair and brushing my hair back to my neck. I stood there in his arms all cold and frozen. He gently kissed my forehead and eased his hold on my waist. I felt my feet touch the ground and I was now standing on my own. My mouth went completely dry and I had nothing to say him. When Ross stepped away from me, my emotions came running through my eyes and I stood there with my cheeks all red and my warm tears filling my eyes and rolling down my cheeks. Ross was shocked at my reaction. He took my face in his hands and gently wiped my tears with his thumbs.

And in a moment of elation, I pressed my lips against Ross’s. My face was still in his hands and my hands gently reached out to touch his shoulders. His soft Suede jacket fit his strong shoulders perfectly. As his lips pressed harder against mine, I opened my mouth to let the kiss dig in deeper.

My fingers were now in his hair and were gently exploring his hair and nape of his neck. He was gently biting my lower lip one second and then my upper lip the next second. His left hand was in the nape of my neck while his right hand slowly slid down my left shoulder and around my waist. Our noses often touched and rubbed against each other. Suddenly I was startled when his hand was slowly making its way through my pajama top. His touch was sensuous, tender and loving. He touched my waist, and then moved it back towards my spine. His hand was gently moving up towards my neck. Ross was touching all over my back and gently pressing my muscles with his finger tips and bringing me closer to him. I could feel his tongue on my lips and his tongue was slowly making its way into my mouth, touching my teeth and trying hard to reach for my tongue. But my tongue was nowhere to be found. He pulled my head a little bit more closer and explored my mouth again. I reluctantly touched his tongue with mine and I could feel a smile cross his lips. Our tongues were now playing hide and seek and swirled together. It was such a great feeling and I wanted it to last till eternity. This man had something about him; he had the ability to sweep me off my feet. How could anybody be so charismatic?

I had lost track of both time and myself until I heard a voice behind me.

End of episode 6

Episode 7:

“Janani”

I opened my eyes and saw Deepak lean over my face. I was lying next to him and my pillow was all crunched around me and I was tossing and turning in a very frenzy motion. I was all wet there. I sat up and realized that I had a dream, a wet dream. I looked at Deepak and then tried to get my hair together. My hair was all frizzled by the tossing and turning. It was 5:30 in the morning. Deepak turned on the light next to his bed stand and handed me a glass of water. I drank it all. My mouth was really dry. I didn’t know where I was going with the dream. But I knew it was a dream. Deepak pulled me closer and tried to calm me down.

“I saw you restless and sweaty. It was a dream, whatever it was and it is over. Come here” He pulled me even more closely. There I lay next to my husband, his arm around me comforting me. I had no feeling of guilt or solace. I just lay there replaying that dream in my mind over and over again.

Monday morning was busy as usual. Back to back meetings, catching up on emails, refilling my coffee mug. One thing was bothering me since morning – the 1 PM meeting with oracle. I knew Ross would be there. I tried to focus in meetings, but I was clearly zoned out. I quickly finished my lunch and grabbed my laptop, my notebook and pen. I walked into the massive conference room with a bunch of people already in it. My eyes quickly scanned for Ross. He wasn’t there. We gave the meeting a few more minutes before starting. The lights were turned off to shift our focus on the projector screen. Adam Lazar, the Regional manager, kicked off the meeting. The executive summary of the company’s offering was on the screen. I was all eyes and started taking quick notes. The first question came from me

“So Adam, help me understand, how does your new product in the ERP space will help us bridge the gap for our merchants?”

“Sorry for coming in late, I got stuck in traffic, but I can take that question”

I turned around and there he was, dressed in a pale yellow shirt, black suit and a light blue tie. He smiled his usual smile. I could barely manage a smile, but I couldn’t take my eyes off his mouth. Ross went into a detail explanation about the new offering of Oracle. I wasn’t paying attention to any of what he was saying. My eyes were fixed on him. In the darkness of the room, the light of the screen brightened his face. His sharp eyes were blazing and occasionally his eyes would stop on me. His eye, oh his eyes, bright, silverish grey, set deep in his sockets. And every time his eyes made contact with mine, my heart would skip a beat. Was it the effect of the weekend dream that cast a magic spell on me or did he really have this effect on all women? I wondered if he was married or if he had a girlfriend. My eyes were now trying to look for his ring finger. His hands moved back and forth while he tried to drive his point home and I had hard time narrowing down on his fingers. And then finally I caught a glimpse of his left hand and there was no ring. A sudden relief gripped my heart. But what about the right hand? You never know when it comes to men. I couldn’t see his right hand as I was on his left side and his hand was out of my sight.

“So any more questions? Janani, you have been awfully quiet” Dan, my CIO asked me. Suddenly all the heads turned towards me and I had a look as if I have been caught in the middle of a robbery.

I regained my senses before saying “This is great, I need some more time to think through”

“Ok, that is a wrap then” Dan said.

Ross came up to me. “So what did you think?”

“Ah, it was great, really good. We need to wrap our arms around this a little bit more. Great job”

“I will be in this neighborhood tomorrow, wanted to catch up with you for lunch? No shop talk, I promise”

“Sure” I replied almost immediately. We shook hands and that is when I looked down at his hand to see his right hand ring finger was empty. So no wife hmmm, what about girlfriend? He is too good to be simple. I am sure he is engaged or at least has a girlfriend. A thought suddenly dawned on me – what if he was gay? Nah, he is too sexy to be gay. “So, how was your weekend?”

I was not prepared for that question. Frankly my weekend was ruined. The dream haunted me all during the weekend and I couldn’t get my head straight into anything. I was lost and frazzled and had no clue what emotions were going on in my mind. All I knew was, I was wet all weekend and felt very turned on. My eyes searched for Ross wherever I went. And here he was standing next to me asking me how my weekend was, thank you for wasting my weekend.

“Nothing much, just usual routine”

We were almost at the revolving doors and Ross paused for a second and said “Ok then, see you tomorrow. I will pick you up at Noon. Is that a good time?”

"Sure"

End of episode 7

Episode 8:

I was happy, excited and above all a bundle of nerves. I was running my fingers through each of the dresses, skirts, blouses trying to pick one which was “worthy” of the lunch. Deepak was looking over my shoulder and looked confused. I would just pick the first thing that I would lay my hand on and get out of my closet. But today was different.

“Are you going on a date or what? Just pick something”

The color of my face drained. I was glad he couldn’t see my face. It dawned on me that I could be emotionally cheating on my husband. I brushed aside that thought; I was just going for a lunch with one of the vendors, isn’t it? I didn’t want to answer my question. I picked a crimson colored pencil skirt which went all the way to my calf. I paired it with a beige silk top. The top fitted well around my shoulder and the skirt showed off my slender figure and my curves perfectly. I looked good and hopefully looked good enough.

-------

It was a long day and I lay in my bed. It was ten in the night and I wanted to go over what happened today. Today was a strange day. I was as nervous as a teenager who was going on her first date. I don’t know what that feeling was about, but whatever it was, it felt good. My conscious kept calling me over and over again, but I gave it a deaf ear. For once I didn’t want to think with my head, I wanted to follow my heart. I always wanted to listen to my heart, but it never happened. My heart wanted that I become a journalist but my head felt being an engineer had better job prospects. My heart always wanted to go on a world tour and meet people but my head never wanted to waste time away from work, lest I lose career opportunities. My heart always wanted to meet the man of dreams, fall head over heels in love and then marry; my head had entirely different plans, with no time to love, I settled for an arranged marriage.

But today I was going to follow my heart; I was going to let my hair loose and go in an anticipation of rediscovering myself. I for once want to meet a guy with no expectations and just be myself and have a great time.

As the clock kept ticking, my anticipation kept increasing. I kept looking at my watch every 5 minutes. Meeting after meeting, I dragged myself, completely unproductive and hopelessly anxious. I was looking at my laptop but was really not looking at anything. I kept rehearsing in my mind about what I was going to talk and imagined what I was going to do. It was 11:30 and I kept looking at my watch every minute now. My heart pace increased and I was getting restless. It was noon and now I was on my feet pacing back and forth. Jessica the Program Manager on my team came by “Hi Janani, The team is heading out to a new Greek restaurant, would you like to join us?”

“No, thank you, I am waiting for someone”

I kept looking at my watch and my phone.

“Should I go out and wait for him in the lobby? I might look too desperate, I will wait here” I kept contemplating.

At 12:05, my phone rang. I answered it on its first ring

“Janani, I have a visitor for you”

“I will be right there”

I quickly grabbed my bag, looked at my face one last time in the mirror. I might have looked at myself at least a dozen times since morning. I walked out of my office and stepped into the lobby. There he was facing his back to me. Dressed in grey suit and a brown shirt, he looked prim and proper. He turned around to look at me. He was not wearing a tie today, but that was not the first thing I noticed. I saw his charismatic smile, his well chiseled nose symmetrically set in his face. He must be almost six feet tall and his body looked well toned. Wonder what he looked beneath his suit.

“We meet again” Ross extended his hand

“Yes, we meet again” I smiled at him.

“How does Sushi sound to you on a Tuesday?”

“Sushi sounds very appetizing” I tried to stop grinning.

“After you” Ross pointed towards the revolving doors.

We both didn’t talk much in the car. We pulled in front of Tokyo Sushi. The restaurant had a very warm feeling to it. The lights were dim and the place was decorated with paintings of little girls in kimono, beautiful Japanese temples and landscapes of Japan. The host pointed us to a booth for two. As Ross sat facing me, the friday night dream kept flashing in my mind.

“So how is it going? How is your new job treating you?” Ross was very casual in his question

“So far so good. How long you have been working with Oracle?”

“For 2 years now and I think I am bored already. “ He paused. ” So tell me something about yourself? What do you generally like to do?”

“I have been busy focusing on my work all these years and I think it’s time I start giving myself some time. I enjoy swimming, hiking and cooking. I love to travel the world too.”

“Have you travelled outside the US?” Ross looked interested in the travel part

“Not much, but I wish to see London and Egypt”

“Interesting choice of places” Ross added

“Tell me something about you” I asked

The waiter just came by to take our order. It was only then we realized that we didn’t have time to look at the menu cards yet.

“Give us a couple more minutes” Ross smiled at the waitress. He has a magical effect on everyone around him.

We both smiled at each other and opened our menu cards. Avocado rolls, veggie rolls, tofu rolls and tempura rolls showed up under the vegetarian section. I chose Avocado and Veggie rolls and Ross ordered Boston roll with Miso soup. With our menu cards out of our sight, we started talking again.

“I enjoy cooking too and I must tell you I am a very good cook” he smiled in way that was provoking my interest. Where is he going with this?

We spoke about our childhood, dreams, interests, favorite songs, favorite movies, best friends, vacation ideas and everything else. It was like knowing a different Ross altogether. The Ross I see in the meetings is one who is work oriented, confident, shop talk only, challenging and pushy. But the Ross I am sitting right now with is hilariously witty, funny, smart, charismatic, well groomed and grounded. There is a child in him. And every time he gives me his crow feet smile, I know he is genuine and honest. I sigh at myself. This is the kind of man I always wanted to marry. Someone who could take care of me, someone who made me laugh and made me feel like a princess. I leave the restaurant with these thoughts lingering in my head. As I walked along with him my foot stepped on a rock and my ankle twisted. I managed to recover immediately and was fine but what I did not manage to recover from was the shocking expression on Ross’s face and the deep concern he had for me. He asked me twice if I was fine and bent down to see if he could help me. That expression on his face made me think if he wanted to be more than a friend. I felt that this was going a bit too fast so I just put that thought in the back burner.

----

A certain joke of Ross’s brought a smile on my face. I pulled my duvet over and slid into a peaceful sleep.

End of episode 8

Episode 9:

It was Thursday mid-morning and I was preparing a presentation on my findings of all the proposals. Oracle had really upped their game and was a strong contender. I went through each of their bullet points on the offering and made diligent notes to do follow up. I had been looking at my screen for almost two hours now. I looked up, outside my window and the warm morning made me feel refreshed. An incoming email caught my attention. It was from Ross.

Subject: Coffee???

Dear Janani

I will be in your area later in the day, do you want to catch up for coffee?

Ross Croteau

VP North America Sales, Oracle Inc

I took a deep breath and sighed before typing in

Of course, 3 PM?

Janani

Director IT , eSPot

The reply came almost immediate

3 PM it is then

Ross Croteau

VP North America Sales, Oracle Inc

At 3 PM I got a call at my desk and a familiar voice spoke

“Janani, you have a visitor”

“I will be right there”

I looked at myself in the mirror of my Lancome pressed powder and happy with myself, walked into the lobby. A quick reflection of my silhouette in the tainted glass walls, I was happy that I picked a dress that fit me well.

“How you’ve been?” Ross greeted me warmly

“Very well.”

“You look beautiful today”

I was suddenly feeling embarrassed. I guess it’s the spring colors on my dress.

We headed out of the revolving doors and stepped into his BMW. As always it was immaculately clean and this time I had to ask “You must love this car?”

“Yes, I do. I love cars in general. And my ex girlfriend loved BMWs , so I got this car when we were together.”

This was the first time he spoke about his personal life and relationships. I smiled with a raised eyebrow. We pulled into a Cuban coffee place which was around a ten minute drive from my office.

“They serve great coffee here, you will love it.”

It seemed to me that he knew everything on this planet. And he was indeed right. As we took our first sip, I was really blown away by the aroma, the taste and texture of the coffee. The coffee seemed to soothe my taste buds and my soul too.

Ross continued to talk about his ex girlfriend. They were together for a good four years. They moved in together but he felt something was not right and he broke up with her.

“What really went wrong?” I asked, genuinely concerned

“I don’t know" he paused "she was not you”

I was taken aback with what he said.

“Are you hitting on me?” I narrowed my eyes at him

Ross was flabbergasted with what I said and realized what he had previously said.

“Sorry, I apologize; I didn’t mean to come across that way. I meant that she was not like you. I really like you as a person. You are smart, level headed, intelligent and beautiful. She was beautiful, but she just didn’t know me. I just didn’t feel the connection. I tried to make it work, but somehow I couldn’t bring myself to settle down with her. I cannot have regrets in my life and I would have regretted if I had married her. Anyways, we are in a much better place now.” He smiled at me; his ever genuine, honest and charismatic smile.

 I smiled and looked down at my coffee mug and was gently circling my finger around the rim of the coffee when Ross placed his hand on mine.

“You are truly a wonderful person and I really care for you and your feelings. I would never hurt you. Sorry if I did. “

“Oh that is totally fine. I was kidding”. I was really not kidding. Some part of me wanted him to like me.

The next few days were mundane. Deepak and I were fighting over trivial things. Things were not looking good at home. I had enough stress at work and didn’t need the same at home too. But there was nothing I could do about it. We both were set in our ways. My priorities at home were not his priorities. He would rather sit and browse on his laptop but not talk to me Ananya or me. It would not occur to him that Ananya could use some story time or I could use some time to know how my day was. Deepak loved me a lot but is love alone enough to survive? I needed some emotional connection and a soul mate in my life and my life was missing that. I had to do something about it. I just couldn’t let my life move on with a guy whom I didn’t love any more.

As I sat in front of my laptop brooding about this, I saw an email from Ross in my inbox

End of episode 9

Episode 10:

Subject: Coffee again??

Dear Janani

Do you think you can squeeze in sometime for me for a coffee this afternoon?

Ross Croteau

VP North America Sales, Oracle Inc

It had been 4 days since I met him. I was longing to see him too. And I could always use the Cuban coffee to help me calm down.

Yes, Sure. Is 3 PM Ok with you?

Janani

Director IT , eSPot

After I hit the reply button, I started to think why Ross wanted to meet me so often. Whatever it was, I needed Ross’s company to make me laugh and unwind. I looked at my watch, it was 10:30 AM. Ross’s replay came immediately confirming the appointment. Now all I had to do was wait till 3 PM.

Few minutes before 3, I got a call from the receptionist “Janani, you have a visitor”

I grabbed my bag and looked at my lipstick one more time before stepping into the lobby. As I approached the receptionist, my feet froze. It was Deepak in the lobby. The color of my face completely drained. Deepak is never at my office and I didn’t know what he was doing at this time.

“I was in the neighborhood and I thought we could catch up for coffee. Are you busy or you think you can step out?” Deepak answered my unasked question. He reached out to hold my hand.

“Ah, I have a coffee appointment with a vendor and I thought it was him. Sorry I cannot come now.” The disappointment in my voice couldn’t go unnoticed.

“You never have time for me. You’d rather go out with another person but not with me?” He was genuinely disappointed.

“Sorry Deepak, but you didn’t earn it yet. And I cannot discuss this with you now” I sounded cold and abrasive

Deepak was hurt and angry at the same time. He didn’t make any effort to persuade me. He turned back and walked out of the revolving doors. That is what bothered me about Deepak. He never insisted nor persuaded. He didn’t have the guts to grab me and own me. And that is what I realized was missing in our relationship: the killer instinct to own me. He let me slip through his fingers.

I stood there feeling sick to my stomach. I had finally told him what I always wanted to. I don’t know what the consequences could be, but I was not worried. As I stood there looking at the revolving doors, Ross walked in beaming at me. He looked happy, fresh and extremely handsome.

“Sorry for keeping you waiting” he said

“Oh please don’t be sorry. I was a bit early”

We both stepped out into the fresh air of California spring. I tried to forget about Deepak but the brief conversation between Deepak and me kept coming back to me. We drove to the same coffee place. I did not want to try anything new. I was not in a mood to experiment.

“Are you OK, you look very preoccupied” Ross looked concern

“I am fine, just a bit overwhelmed” I managed a small smile on my face.

“Thank you for agreeing to come with me. It means a lot to me. There is something about you that is really endearing. I can see that there is a lot going on for you at eSpot. Your boss thinks very highly of you and values your opinion. You must be really good“

I blushed and looked embarrassed. I should get used to receiving compliments from Ross.

“How do you do this? You boost my morale at the drop of a hat. I am always been surrounded by friends and family who complained about me working long hours. I love my work but they simply won’t get it”

“You are a workaholic and it shows in your quality of work. But for this weekend, I want to take you away from your work. Would you like to join me for a baseball game on Friday night?” Ross flashed the game tickets

I hesitated. I suddenly realized that Ross did not know about Deepak or Ananya. We never spoke about family.

“I love to watch baseball, and I would love to join you too. But I would need another ticket. I’d like to bring a guest with me if that is fine with you”

“Of course, I can get another ticket for you. I think it will be a fun game”. Ross sounded excited like a young boy. I liked his excitement and his zest for life. Ross always refreshes me. He never fails to amaze me. He is very intelligent and smart and he is well travelled. He always brought a different perspective to things. It was difficult to not like this person. I feel so lively after talking to him. I have learned a lot from him and I never want to break this communication between us. Ross brings happiness in my life. Period.

I picked up Ananya in the evening and drove home. I opened the door and to our surprise Deepak was home. Ananya jumped on him and hugged him. Deepak kissed her and told her that he had a surprise gift for her in her room. Ananya squealed with surprise and ran to her room.

“Janani, we need to talk. “

There was a long pause after that. Deepak was trying to rehearse what he was going to say. He chose his words very carefully.

“I have been thinking about this for a while. I think we should separate”

End of episode 10

Episode 11:

I couldn’t believe what I heard. All hell broke loose. I felt a lump in my throat and my eyes were filled with tears. Where was Deepak heading with this?

“Whatever I do is never good enough for you. I may not try enough, but I feel even if I do, I am not good enough for you. I feel that you are not happy with me and I don’t see any reason why we should still be together”

Deepak was grave and serious. He was breaking underneath. His voice kept cracking as he spoke to me. I felt dizzy. I had to sit down.

“I love you a lot, you know that. But I guess that is not enough. I wanted to make it up to you this afternoon, but …..” he paused

“Janani, I think this is in the best interest of both of us. You can have the house and I will support child care too. I have thought through this.”

I collapsed within. It was a different thing to think of being able to live without Deepak but when it really came to me, I couldn’t take it at all. A thousand things flashed in my mind – our friends, my family, Ananya. Frankly Ananya was not a problem at all. She is a pretty intelligent girl and I know I can handle her. But how can I handle my parents. This is probably the first divorce in my family. I could never face criticism from my extended family. I was thinking too ahead of myself. I had to sit down and give this a good thought. My tears kept flowing down my cheeks. Deepak looked at me but didn’t approach me to touch me, wipe my tears or hug me.

We sat there. I was looking down at my hands and Deepak was looking out of the window. Seconds seemed minutes, minutes seemed hours. And finally I spoke up

“Are you asking me or have you already made a decision?” I sniffled as I finished my sentence

“I think this is in the best interest of both of us” Deepak was cold.

“I need some time to think”

That night we didn’t talk. Deepak was careful not to come in any kind of physical contact with me. I was torn within. I was feeling helpless. Was this really in the best interest of me? Was there no love left in our relationship anymore? I had to think hard about this. It is a life changing event. Will I realize the value of this relationship when we separate out? I don’t have the answers but I wanted to find out more.

I couldn’t fall asleep that night. I kept tossing and turning. Deepak was sleeping next to me but I knew he was not asleep as well. He can never fall asleep without cuddling me. I guess that is a habit he developed over the years and now he had to undo it. Tears rolled down my eyes as that thought wrenched my heart. What was I doing to myself and to Deepak? I decided to roll with life as it took me. For the first time in our marriage Deepak made a decision and I wanted to respect it. It must have been around 1 AM when I fell asleep. The next morning I was feeling all grouchy and tired. I barely slept for a few hours and my head felt heavy. I noticed in the mirror that my eye lids were swollen because of all the crying last night. I looked at Deepak, he was a mess too. I decided to take a day off for myself. I knew I couldn’t face my colleagues looking the way I was looking. Deepak left for work. He offered to drop Ananya at school.

I prepared myself a cup of coffee. As I sipped the coffee, the Cuban coffee shop flashed in front of me and Ross’s words played in my mind. I sat down at the bay window and looked out to the backyard. It was a beautiful day, California poppies were blooming in my backyard. I shifted my focus and attention towards Deepak. I opened my laptop and browsed through some of Deepak’s face book pictures. We had pictures of our vacationing in Tahoe, white water rafting in Merced River in Oregon, snorkeling in Hawaii. Those were all happy days, but things were not that happy any more. The word happy rang in my head multiple times. Deepak was not good enough for me and I was clearly not happy.

I went over a few scenarios in my head on how I could take things forward. By the end of the afternoon, I had a clear vision of what I wanted and how I wanted to execute it. I had made my decision.

Deepak came home with Ananya. The next couple of hours were the routine with Ananya having her dinner, getting her ready for bed and tucking her in the bed. Deepak was anticipating that I would want to talk about what he said the previous day and his anticipation was true.

When I got into the bed next to Deepak, I finally spoke “I need to talk to you about what you said yesterday.”

He sighed and closed his laptop indicating that he was giving me all his attention.

“I do understand where you are coming from and I gave it a good thought. I think you are right. I think we should separate, but before we make it legal, do you want to try moving out and living separately to see if this is the right thing to do? I don’t want to jump any guns here. It’s a very big decision. You know what I mean?” I looked at him hoping he would understand.

Deepak nodded “I think I do agree with you. I want to make sure you are agreeable to whatever we plan and at the end of the day I want you to be happy. I care for you.”

One moment Deepak says such things and the very next moment he talks about not making an effort to be “good enough” for me. Why does he do it? I wanted an answer to my question but Deepak probably didn’t have an answer either. I closed my eyes and hoped that tomorrow will be a better day.

I started noticing that Deepak was distancing himself from me. We were barely talking and looking into each other’s eyes. It felt like living in a house with no one around. Even Ananya couldn’t help our situation. She was oblivious of the fact that something big was brewing in the family.

It was Friday and I was getting ready for a weekend. Work was getting hectic. I was running from pillar to post to get all senior management to look at the proposals. The final decision was to be made on Monday. I had all the material ready for the meeting. Oracle was not the best rate we got, but their offering was better in terms of technology, scalability, technical support and above all their clientele in ecommerce space which eSpot was eventually going towards. Will the price be a deal breaker for Oracle? I paused at my own question. The wind could go either way. If I were to recommend, I would probably go with Oracle. Their product is more sustainable for our growth. Was it that or was it Ross? I kept thinking about it.

As I got back to my emails late that afternoon, I saw Ross’s email reminding me of the baseball game and how he could secure an additional ticket for me. Oh Gosh!!! The baseball game!!! I had completely forgotten about it. I looked at my watch. It was 4 PM. I had a couple of hours to show up at the stadium. I had to leave now. I quickly texted Deepak about my evening plan. We were not talking much so I decided to text him. Deepak acknowledged my message. He did not ask me where I was going or who I was going with and I did not bother mentioning it either.

It is 6 PM and I pull into the parking lot of the stadium. Locking the car, I head towards the ticket booth. Ross mentioned that he would wait for me at gate 84 and there he was dressed in shorts and a SF Giants shirt. He smiled as I walked up to him. He looked very casual and relaxed. I could see that he worked out regularly and had a well toned body, six packs too, I assumed. That is such a turn on. He gave me a casual hug and said “It is so nice to see in your casuals” How does he manage to get words out of my mouth.

“So who is this guest who wanted an extra ticket for?”

End of Episode 11.

Episode 12:

I smiled and turned around to show Ananya. Ananya was walking right behind me. She doesn’t have stranger’s anxiety but today with the crowd around she felt safe behind mommy. Ross’s eyes gleamed at her sight and he bent down to extend his hand for a hand shake. Ananya wrapped her arms around my leg and refused to go.

“Please give her a couple more minutes. She is overwhelmed. By the way she is Ananya, my daughter”

Ross jaw dropped and his eyes brightened up. His smile grew even bigger. “Wow, this is such a surprise. I didn’t know you had a daughter. She is adorable”

I smiled back and held Ananya’s hand as we walked into the stadium. We had one of the box seats and had a great view of the field. It was a SF Giants Vs San Diego Padre match and of course we were all cheering for the Giants. They had a great season so far. After ensuring we were comfortably seated, Ross excused himself. He came back with a giant pink cotton candy and a small Giants T Shirt that fit Ananya perfectly.

Ananya’s eyes were set on the cotton candy. Ross lured her with it and she gradually slid from my lap into his. Ross explained her game and how we were going to cheer. Then they laughed about how the cotton candy stuck to Ananya’s nose. Ananya had warmed up to Ross. Ross gently placed Ananya on the other seat and turned towards me.

“Janani, what is it? Something is bothering you. You are not your usual self.”

“Ross, It’s kind of personal” I replied softly.

He sighed “I understand, and I respect your privacy” He gently moved away from me to sit back. I felt I was rude to him.

“I am going through a difficult marriage “I told as I turned towards him but did not look into his eyes.

“Oh, I am sorry. We never spoke about families, so I didn’t know what you were going through. This is probably a wrong day to hang out”

“No, On the contrary I think this is a good day. I can take my mind off of other things and relax. Sorry for spoiling your evening. “

Ross put his hand on mine and gently squeezed it. I looked up into his eyes. He smiled and reassured that things would be fine. With Ross next to me, I knew things would be fine. He kept holding my hand for a while. It was only when Ananya came to sit on my lap that the untold conversation between us ended. The game was much more fun than I had anticipated. Ross and Ananya kept cheering the giants. It was fun to watch Ananya enjoy the game. It was 9 PM by the time the game was over. We filled ourselves with nachos and Pretzels. Not an ideal dinner but we could live with it for a day. Ross walked us to our car, buckled up Ananya in her car seat and gave a peck on her cheek.

“She is such a sweetheart “he said as he closed the door.

“Yes, She is. She is the only thing that keeps me going. Well, Monday is a big day for you.”

“Oh, please don’t even bother about it. While I would be keen on doing business with eSpot, I wouldn’t let that bother me. There are lots of medium size companies where Oracle still needs to penetrate in, and eSpot will be one of those. Having said that, any new business excites me so I really look forward for Monday’s decision from your team. I would ask you not to be too hard on yourself with work. You have a lot going on at personal front”

He was right, a lot going on: Deepak, Ananya and now Ross. Was this destiny trying to pave way to my new future, I pondered. Ross leaned forward to give a gentle hug, rubbed my back with gentle strokes assuring me that things will be fine. I bid him bye and drove back home.

Deepak was not at home and Ananya was fast asleep in her car seat. I opened the garage, parked the car and gently got Ananya out of her car seat. I kissed her on her forehead after I tucked her in her bed. She was still holding on to the Giants shirt Ross had bought for her.

I changed into my night dress and retired into my bed. I got into the bed and fired my laptop. I checked my phone, but there was no message from Deepak. I logged into my emails, and wrote a thank you note to Ross

Subject: Thank You!!!!

Dear Ross

Thank you for a wonderful evening. Ananya and I had a great time. I owe you a big one now.

Janani

Director IT , eSpot

And to my surprise Ross was online and his reply came in less than a minute.

Subject: Re: Thank You!!!

Dear Janani

You are a dear friend and I always like to hang out with friends. It pained to see you in the state you are in currently. Let me know if I can help you in any way

Ross Croteau

VP North America Sales, Oracle Inc

Yes, he can help, I thought to myself. I caught on some unfinished work. It was almost midnight. Deepak was not home yet. It is unusual of him. I hoped he was fine. It was a long day and I was very tired. I don’t know when I slept. I woke up in the morning. It was 7 AM and my head hurt. I wanted to sleep a little longer but the early morning spring sun filled the room. The room was lit bright and warm. It felt like 10 AM. I got up and realized Deepak was not in the bed but I heard something in the kitchen. I quickly grabbed my phone and looked at it. No message from Deepak. I slowly got out of bed and walked into the family room. I saw 2 huge bags packed and kept close to the main door. Deepak was making himself tea. I sighed a relief seeing him.

“What time did you get in?” I asked

“1 AM “he replied in monosyllable words.

He took a sip of his tea and said “I found a place close to my work. I understand it’s a bit far from home but if you need me call me anytime. I will take equal responsibility of Ananya.”

He paused and took another sip. He gave me ample time for his words to sink in. I just stood there with my eyebrows squeezed.

“I just wanted a change in place. We have a lot of history in this neighborhood and I just need to get out of all this. I was looking for a place all day yesterday and finally found one. I am moving in today. “

It felt like someone was slapping my face continuously. What have I done to deserve this kind of an emotional turmoil?

“Is this happening for real?” I asked with a crackling voice. My eyes were burning, not with lack of sleep but with the warm tears that filled them. I was in deep grief and just wanted to cry out loud. My grief was gripping my heart, soul and mind. I knew this was coming, but it was coming to me at a speed of a hurricane and the grief was engulfing my entire body. My head was suddenly spinning and I felt very dizzy.

End of episode 12

Episode 13:

“You wanted this and believe me, you will be happy. I don’t want to go down this path. I had hard time convincing myself that this is what you want and this is what will keep both of us happy. I also considered changing myself, being the one you want, but I cannot be that person. I am not as smart as you. I am just a simple guy who can keep his family happy. I cannot be a perfectionist, I have serious flaws. Blame it on my personality or my upbringing, but this is who I am.”

Deepak’s words convinced that this is what I wanted, but if I would be happy with this, only time would tell.

“What about Ananya, what do you plan on telling her? Or do you just want to run away and leave it to me?” I wanted Deepak to own this.

“I will talk to her. I think she is too young to accept the truth so I will just cook up a story”

That is so typical of Deepak. Always cooking up stories and trying to escape from his responsibilities. I shook my head in disappointment. My tears had dried away. I knew I could take care of Ananya single handed, I had done that in the past and it’s manageable.

When Ananya woke up, Deepak took her to the play area in the backyard and explained that he needs to head out for a business trip and will be back in a couple of months. Ananya cried and wanted to go with her dad, but after a lot of persuasion and bribing with tons of goodies, she let her dad go. We both stood at the driveway seeing Deepak drive out with his bags in the trunk. We both stood there crying the only difference being that no one could see my tears.

The weekend was uneventful. I took Ananya to a park, and then to a movie. We also hung out at one of my friend’s place. I was careful to not reveal about Deepak and my situation to my friends yet. We were testing the waters and I did not want people to start judging us on our arrangement. Ananya was busy over the weekend and did not miss her father much.

Today is going to be a long day. I had a four hour meeting with senior management to go over the proposals of three of our vendors and followed by statement of work drafting based on the choice of the vendor. The four hour meeting saw me presenting the comparison of product features, security, scalability, sustainability, success stories of past implementations and quote given for eSpot. We went over more than seventy slides and after a thorough dialogue, the CEO made the decision to go with Oracle. There was common agreement with his decision and I was happy for Ross. He was truly the best salesman and he knew his game very well. Dan nodded that the CEOs decision was right and gave him a thumbs up.

“Janani, Let’s get started on the statement of work for Oracle and please set up a meeting with Oracle for tomorrow. We should onboard them quickly and take their inputs in the statement of work.” Dan said.

“Sounds like a good plan” I concurred with my CIO

When I reached my office, I started composing an email to Ross

Subject: Guess what???

Dear Ross

You are in for bad luck; you will have to see more of me in the coming months. We have decided to go with Oracle and you are required to be in our office tomorrow for further discussions. I will set up a meeting on your calendar.

Janani

Director IT , eSpot

Ross replied after an hour. His email brought a smile on my face,

Subject: Re: Guess what???

Dear Janani

It is indeed a bad news. My caffeine levels will increase by many folds now. You are surely a lucky charm for me. I had absolutely no chance of getting this account.

I will clear my calendar for you, please feel free to set up the meeting at any time

Ross Croteau

VP North America Sales, Oracle Inc

I set up the meeting at 10 AM the following day.

The meeting was precise and to the point. Ross and Adam agreed to most of the terms and conditions. Dan and I played hard ball, at least that is what I would love to believe. The statement of work was finalized. Hannah, executive assistant to Dan, typed it for us and came back with printed copies. We reviewed it one more time and Dan and Ross signed the documents. Ross offered to take us out for lunch.

“I have another meeting to attend, but Janani will be there on my behalf.” He said without giving me a chance to opine. I smiled and shrugged my shoulders.

Ross took Adam and me to a beautiful Mexican restaurant. I ordered a fiesta salad with guacamole, Ross ordered a beef fajita and Adam settled for a plate of fish tacos. The food was rich and delicious.

“I must say, you have a great taste for restaurants” I looked at Ross digging into my salad.

“I will say I have a good taste in a lot of things, you name it and you will get it” he chuckled.

It was refreshing to meet Ross. Adam spoke about his plans for eSpot and how he was trying to get his best resources to work for our project. It was flattering to hear that. Ross did not talk much. He was generally quiet and let Adam do all the talking. Our eyes met occasionally and followed by smiles. I was old enough to understand a man’s body language to know if he was interested in me or not. With Ross I was getting similar jitters but I did not want to make it obvious. I had a lot going on at personal front to sort out. Deepak did not text me or call me ever since he left. I was emotionally bruised and needed healing.

Adam had another meeting and had to leave early. He excused himself and left. Ross and I sat across the table. I was slowly sipping on my water. Ross was looking at me and I could see it in peripheral view but I did not dare to look up at him. I somehow felt I couldn’t face him. I felt extremely vulnerable. Ross broke the silence “Janani, what is going on? Please talk to me. I cannot bear to see you like this. This is not you. Tell me what is happening”

I could feel the moist in my eyes and when I looked up Ross had a very disappointed look on his face. He just couldn’t see me that way. Ross gently placed his hand on mine and nodded reassuringly. I fought back my tears and brought myself together.

“My husband Deepak and I have been married for more than six years now. We had briefly dated before we got engaged and within a year we got married. Indian weddings are slightly different than American weddings; we don’t date as extensively as you guys do.” I tried to explain Ross. He nodded and indicated that he knew what I meant. Of course he would know. He traveled to India on multiple occasions and has quite a few Indian friends.

“Deepak and I are not a perfect match. He is very introvert and I am a complete opposite. He is not a person who can lead me through my life. He’d rather follow me. I am the man of the house. It’s not that I want to be one, it’s because he doesn’t want to be one. What I like about Deepak is that he is extremely loving, caring and giving. I believed that love is enough to keep a relationship. Love is enough but it is not sufficient. The first couple of years of our marriage were fun. We were trying to learn about each other and blend in each others personality. We traveled together a lot. But slowly I realized that we never connected emotionally. My thoughts and ideas were entirely different than his. We started arguing. We would fight over silly things like helping around the house. But my fights were more from frustration rather than not having domestic help. Deepak would sometimes have baseless argument with me. He always feels that he is right and I am wrong. And I proved him wrong on all those occasions, but he never acknowledged it. He has issues accepting rejections and facing any criticism.

Our fights multiplied when we had Ananya. I had to take care of everything – home, work, baby. Deepak would rather hang out with his friends or work on his laptop but not bond with Ananya or me. At first I thought he was overwhelmed with the whole baby thing. But it never changed. I was emotionally more challenged than he was. I had to go back to work and at the same time I wanted to stay with my daughter but Deepak was not there to support me or take charge of the situation. If he had even given an ounce of courage and strength I would have not been so hard on myself. The matter of fact is I never felt that I had him to take care of me. I never felt secured in my marriage. I am sure Deepak has it in him but I am yet to see it. He has always run away from his responsibilities.

I have been giving him a cold shoulder because I am mad at him and I want him to realize that. But as always he wanted to run away rather than stepping up. When he recommended that we separate, I was destroyed within. My head keeps telling me that I don’t need him and neither does Ananya. We never had him for us and that I shouldn’t waste my life around a person whom you can never count on to be there for you. I gave it a good thought. I imagined my life without him. It would be no different than what it is today except that I would be less depressed and frustrated. I don’t know if my decision is right or not, only time will tell. He wants to have the custody of the child too. I don’t know how that is going to pan out. He is a loving dad but he is not a dad who would give reassurance to his daughter. I don’t know what is in store for me. Am I asking for too much, Ross?”

End of episode 13

Episode 14:

Ross did not take his eyes off me from the beginning of this conversation. His hand was still on mine. His eyes showed concern and his expression was soft.

He gently squeezed my hand and said “You are an awesome person. You deserve the best. I am sorry that you have to go through these kinds of feelings. I do understand what you are going through. I firmly believe that we get what we deserve. And at this point in time, I think you deserve to move on and see for yourself what is good for you and your girl. I am confident that you can bring yourself together to face this graciously and end it in a very amicable way.”

Ross made total sense. This is what I needed from Deepak - words of encouragement to make me feel that I am doing the best I can and that believe in me. My tears rolled back into my eyes as I sat there nodding at him. My lips quivered and my teeth trying to bite my lower lip to suppress my agony. I felt better after this conversation. It was time for us to leave.

On my way back home that evening, I recollected all the memories – good or bad, I had with Deepak. I wanted to reassure myself that the separation was the right choice for us. Ananya and I got home and we found a FedEx packet near the front entrance. I picked it up and opened. What I saw took my breath away. My heart missed several beats and now it was pounding in my chest.

The packet had papers from McKenzie and sons attorney at law and it had a FL 100 form. It was a petition to separate. Deepak had filed for divorce. I was gasping for breath. This was finally happening. I set aside the papers on the table and sat down on the ground and buried my face in my hands and cried.

Over the next three days I kept seeing Ross. We did not talk anything personal. But Ross knew that I was not in a good state of mind. I never let my personal life show up at work. But I think either it was my swollen eyes or the dark circles that communicated to Ross. We occasionally went out with colleagues for lunch or coffee but the conversations were very precise and impersonal. On one of those occasions, Ross spoke to me and expressed his concern for me and wanted to talk to me.

We stayed back a little after everyone left.

“Let’s step out and talk. I think a breath of fresh air is what you need right now” he said. I couldn’t agree more. I needed to loosen up myself and take a deep breath.

Ross and I walked slowly towards the car parking. I noticed how everything looked so beautiful and warm around me. I wasn’t noticing anything much. It was almost mid spring and I hadn’t done a single picnic with Ananya. I suddenly felt guilty about how little attention I was paying to her.

“How are you doing?” Ross asked. That question of his asked every question he wanted to ask.

“I got the papers from Deepak. I haven’t signed it yet. The only thing that is holding me back is Ananya. My heart goes out for her. She is going to miss out on having a complete family. I don’t see a reason why she should go through this. Why she should be deprived of having mom and dad. What has she done to deserve this?” As I spoke those words, tears started flowing down my tears and I couldn’t hold them back any more. I cried burying my face in my palms. Ross stood in front of me not feeling awkward at all. He placed both his arms around me gently taking me into a soft and tender hug and patted my back.

“I understand Janani, please be patient. Ananya is a smart girl. She will clearly understand the situation. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. Please , please …..”

Ross couldn’t talk any more. He just stood there embracing me and I stood there crying with my head in his chest and trying to seek solace. We stood there for almost ten minutes. My tears had all drained away and my eyes were dry. This is what I needed. I needed to cry it out to someone and feel reassured that things will be fine one day. And now that I spoke to Ross, I felt optimistic and reassured of my future. I gently lifted my head and apologized for messing his suit. He rolled his eyes.

“Thank you “I mumbled

“Any time buddy. Now you got to get your act together and crack the whip on us, remember” he said.

I giggled and we both burst out laughing. He does this to me all the time. He makes me happy, hopeful and on top of the world.

That evening I signed the papers. I knew I could pull this off.

I did not hear from Deepak for more than a week. One day when I went to pick Ananya, I noticed her lips were all pink. I asked her to open her tongue and her tongue was all pink too. I gave her a “Mommy is not happy” look. She immediately clasped my legs and said

“It was not me, it was daddy. I told him that you would be angry if I ate a popsicle, but it was too good to resist” she looked at me with her sheepish looks

“Daddy? Was daddy here?” I enquired now kneeling down and looking into her eyes

“Yes, daddy is here every day, It’s our secret game and I was not supposed to tell you, but now we lost” she pouted her lower lips.

Deepak was visiting Ananya everyday and I did not know what to make out of it. Was he trying to lure Ananya to have complete custody? I was mad at him but there was nothing I could do at this time. The papers were with his attorney and my attorney was working with his. It can take anything from zero to six months for our divorce to finalize. Ananya’s custody was at question too so I suspected it could take more than that. I could do nothing at this time. He still had full access to her. I decided to talk to him later about this. I, as a mother of my child, deserved to know who was meeting her and when. Deepak was listed as the parent and had full access to Ananya at school. I didn’t want to fight this battle at this time with school authorities as well. So I let it go.

The following weekend Ross invited Ananya and me to his place for a quiet evening. We drove to his house. Ananya was super excited. She always associated Ross with Cotton candy. We pulled into the drive way. He had a beautiful place. The front lawn was very well landscaped. The spring was blooming in his front yard. We saw lavenders, ferns, calla lilies, carnations, roses and tulips. The walk way had cobblestones which gave a good character to it. We rang the door bell and it was promptly opened by Ross who was standing in front of us with a hand hidden behind him. He shook hands with Ananya and said

“I have a surprise for you Ananya”

She beamed with joy and tried to peek behind his back to see what he was hiding. Ross asked her to close her eyes and when she did, he slowly brought his hand forward and in his hand was a Barbie doll. This was Ananya’s first Barbie doll. She opened her eyes and when she saw the beautiful princess Barbie, her eyes widened and a big smile crossed her face. She looked at me as if seeking approval to accept the gift. I smiled and nodded. She grabbed the doll from Ross and turned back to hug me. She was still shy around Ross. She suddenly looked down to see something licking her legs. It was an adorable Maltese puppy. Ananya shrieked in fear. Her shriek converted into a full blown cry. I picked her up and secured her away from the puppy, but she wouldn’t calm down. Ross apologized to her but he reassured her that the puppy was harmless. He gently lifted the puppy and held the puppy at the same level as Ananya and let her have a close proximity of the puppy. She was not ready for the puppy yet. Ross let the dog go and we walked into the house. The house was tastefully done. Each room had a different earth colors on the wall combined with a splash of bright and zestful accent walls. It reflected his personality – vibrant and vivacious yet loving and caring.

On the living room wall I saw a huge pin board with all the pictures of Ross from his travelogue. He travelled a lot, I mean a LOT. I saw him with Egypt pyramids, trekking the Himalayas, walking the Great Wall of China, snorkeling in New Zealand, fishing in Maine, sky diving in Dubai. There were tons of pictures from Morocco, Paris, Italy, Switzerland, London, central Africa, Kerala, Bali. . He had seen it all. I noticed a lady with him in some of the pictures. I wondered if it was his ex girlfriend.

“That is Natalie, my ex girlfriend” he answered my unasked question. I turned around and he stood there with two glasses of white wine. I smiled and took the glass and our glasses clanked “To a better future” he said. I smiled at him.

Ananya was busy with her Barbie and some more toys Ross got for her.

“You didn’t have to buy all these toys for her” I said

“Oh I borrowed it from my niece. They live close by and it’s not a trouble at all”

We stood at the big French doors in his living room that overlooked the huge landscape of the valley. It was a beautiful view. We both sipped our white wine. It was good and did not leave my mouth dry. I wondered what it was. Ross slowly held my hand and looked at me. Oh that look which said thousand words. I became cold instantly. I did not know what was coming. I did not make an attempt to pull back my hand. He held it for as long as we stood there and said

“You are a wonderful person Janani. You have no idea what you mean to me. I value your friendship and never want to let go of that. “

My palms were sweating now and my heart paced. I can never comprehend Ross and he never seizes to surprise me.

“I do not want to sound like a person who is taking advantage of you at this point, but …..” He paused and chose his words before he continued “I want this to be more than friendship”

End of episode 14

Episode 15:

And there it was, my biggest fear come true. I was not ready to face this. I just swallowed that thought down my throat and couldn’t look at him anymore. I looked out of the French doors. Ross did not give up. He continued to look at me. And after a brief silence, he said “Do you want to see what I cooked for you? Remember Isa id I cook well” he smiled and winked at me.

He moved out of the emotions so quickly, while I still stood there with my conscious lingering around me repeating Ross’s words about how he wanted more. We moved towards the formal dining table. It had handmade runner going through the middle of the table and a center piece of calla lilies and lavenders. It was beautifully done.

“I Love calla lilies” he said gently touching the edge of the flower.

He quickly put on his apron, and gave some final touching to his food.

“Italian for the lady and the beautiful girl” he said as he brought in a tray of baked pasta from the oven.

The dinner included salad greens tossed in raspberry balsamic vinaigrette dressing with shaved parmesan cheese, baked pasta tossed in pesto sauce, Minestrone soup and garlic bread. He had made each and everything and it all tasted heavenly. Ananya enjoyed her soup and garlic bread. She kept talking about her school, her friends and her ballet classes. She had warmed up to “king”, Ross’s puppy. She loved every time it licked her face. We had a hearty meal and Ananya ran to play with King and I helped Ross clean up the table.

 “How do you like it being alone? Does it feel lonely?” I was curious to know

“I am never lonely. I have King; I have my work and my TV. I always have friends or family over and I visit them too. My parents live in Portland, so I drive down to see them once a couple of months. My sister lives close by. I love babysitting her son and daughter. So I am technically never alone.”

That explains how he gets along with kids so well. He would make a fine father one day, I thought to myself. Ananya and I sat down along with Ross for a movie. “Ananya , do you like the movie Cars?”

“Yes “she screamed with excitement.

The movie started. Ananya cuddled on me and was all eyes for the movie. Lightning McQueen showed up and she squealed with excitement. Ross and I burst out laughing. Half an hour into the movie, Ananya was fast asleep. Ross slowly lifted her and signaled with his eyes that he was going to put her in a bed. He hugged her close to his heart and was careful not to make any noise during his journey to the bedroom. After a couple of minutes he joined me on the couch. We both continued watching the movie.

He walked out towards the kitchen and came back with 2 glasses of white wine. He handed one to me. As the exchange of glasses happened, our fingers came in contact for a brief second. It had happened before, but it meant entirely different now especially after what Ross told me about how he felt about me. The wine was cold and felt refreshing as it slipped through my throat.

He took my hand in his and with his thumb gently caressed my knuckles. We both did not take our eyes off of each other. He took my hand and gently kissed it. My body froze. I stiffened. My eyes closed momentarily and then opened. Ross was still looking at me. He took the glass from my hand and placed it on the coffee table in front of us. He then took my other hand and kissed it gently too. He took my palm and placed it on his cheek and then gently kissed my palm. His skin felt soft and warm. He left my hand on his chest and gently closed his eyes feeling my hand on his shirt. I could feel the heart beat underneath the shirt. When he opened his eyes and looked at me, all I could see was his unspoken feeling for me. He leaned forward to gently touch my cheek with the back of his fingers.

“You are so beautiful Janani” he whispered in a soft tone. Those words were intoxicating. I closed my eyes as he gently stroked my cheek. His index finger was now moving down my jaw heading from my ear to the chin. I had goose bumps all over. His thumb was not running over my lower lip. He leaned forward and I could feel his breath on my cheeks. He paused for a brief amount of time. It felt like eternity. My eyes were still closed. I couldn’t dare to open them. My body was cold with all the chills down my spine. I felt Ross’s nose touch my cheek as he tilted up my chin towards him. He took a deep breath.

“Janani, I think I am falling for you” And as he said those words, he placed a gentle kiss on my lips. His lips felt so soft and gentle. The kiss was for only for a fraction of second, but I could feel it forever. His cold wet lips pressed against mine leaving my lips cold. Ross looked at me, my eyes still closed and my body frozen. He gently stroked my chin and placed a kiss on my chin. The effect of the kiss made my head tilt backwards revealing my long neck. He placed another gentle kiss on my throat. I swallowed a gulp of my saliva. My stomach was all knotted. My brain was completely blank. I had no thoughts that were holding me back. I was in this moment and that made me happy. Ross made me happy.

Ross placed another kiss on my neck and then headed towards my shoulder. I squeezed his hand and he smiled as he kissed me. I felt his feather kisses on my shoulder. He placed his forehead on my shoulder and heaved a sigh of relief in an attempt of surrendering to me and seeking solace in me. This suddenly made me all powerful. I was his gate to happiness and joy. When he finally got up he looked at me. My eyes were now open. I was looking deep into his eyes and trying to understand what they said. They spoke a million words to me and we both understood what we wanted from each other. I had completely surrendered myself to this handsome man who sat in front of me. Without undressing me, he had the ability to make me feel completely naked. He slowly grabbed my head by letting his fingers slip through my cheek into my hair. He took my face in his hands and locked our lips again. The kiss lasted for a long time. From a gentle peck, the kiss translated to me kissing his lower lip and Ross chewing on my upper lip. And eventually we switched spots. He gently tugged onto my lower lip with his teeth and kissed it again. I was moaning loudly now. Ross gently placed his hand on my bare knees and slowly slid his hand into my skirt. I groaned in excitement. My groin area was all tight with his sensation. His hand started making its way up my skirt. He gently caressed my thighs and his hand slipped in between both my thighs. I was getting all wet. All this happened while his teeth were teasing my lips.

Ross made me lie down on the couch without breaking our contact. Ross lay beside me, half on top of me. I could feel his body on mine. He had a great body, well toned torso, broad shoulders and great biceps. I placed my hands around his head holding it in place and started slipping my fingers into his hair. Ross took his hand out of my skirt, and with his index fingers slowly started sliding my skirt down my hips. I raised my hips both in excitement and to help him with his effort.

The skirt slowly slid down my thighs and soon it was lying near my legs. I was in my lace panties and could feel the cold leather couch feel on my butt. He then raised my right leg and slipped my sandals out of my feet. He dropped the sandal to the floor and repeated the same to the other one. He then wrapped his arms around my shoulders and gently placed my hair behind my ears. His hand was now again on my thighs. He gently massaged my thighs with one hand, while the other hand slip into my blouse. He slowly started unbuttoning my top. With each button that opened, he planted soft kisses around my neck, shoulders and down my arms. He opened all the buttons and slipped my blouse out of my arms. I was in my lace bras that co-ordinated with my panties.

“You look amazing” Ross whispered in my ears. He gazed at what lie in front of him. He started kissing me again. My body convulsed to his deep kiss. His hands were on my neck, shoulders and then down to my breasts gently squeezing them. My body groaned in a sweet pain. His kiss got deeper and his tongue was in my mouth now. My tongue welcomed his and we embarked on a long slurpy kisses. His hands were now exploring my torso and belly button. He suddenly pulled his tongue out of my mouth and moved down my neck towards my breasts. I was still catching up on my breath after that long kiss. His quick and skillful hands unbuttoned by bras and before I knew my bra was lying on the floor along with my blouse. He gazed down at my breasts and slowly and carefully moved his index finger down my cleavage and circled around my breasts. The circles became smaller and smaller until he was just running his fingers around my nipples. It was a torturous feeling. I wanted to get through this quickly but Ross was building it slowly. I was ready for him. I wanted him right this moment.

He repeated the same torture on my other breast and when he was done circling my nipples he gently pinched them. I grunted. He then bit one nipple at a time and started sucking on them. It was a very heavenly feeling. My mouth was dry and my body was moving to a rhythm of his sucking action. My fingers were in my hair and gave me the sense of liberation. I had completely surrendered myself to him. He sucked on my nipples and then placed kisses around my breast. He headed downwards towards my belly button. He picked one of the ice cubes from the wine glass and placed it on my belly button. The cold ice contracted by belly. I wanted to sit up and hug Ross, but he held my hands back and asked me to stay still. He sucked on the ice cube and kissed my belly button and then around my hips. I curled my legs around him.

Ross then got up on his feet and quickly took off his shirt and pant. I lay there withering and curling and seeking for more. One look at him and I was blown away. He was very well built with a great body. He smiled down at him. I tried to cover my breasts with my hand feeling shy. He turned down all the lights leaving enough light for us to look at each other. My silhouette aroused him and I could see his arousal through his boxers. I took a deep breath and waited for what was to follow. Ross smiled at me and gently lifted me in his arms. He was heading towards the master bedroom. As he placed me on his Cal king size bed, I felt the soft linen on my bare back. I lay there still holding my arms close to my chest and covering my breasts. The moon light filled the room in a soft white color. Ross crept into the bed next to me.

With his thumb fingers hooked onto my panties, he gently started sliding my panties down to me knees and further down to my feet and carefully removed them through my ankles. He then placed soft kisses on my feet and his kisses trailed up to my knee. I suddenly realized where he was heading and turned around and lay on my tummy. He smiled, his sensuous , naughty smile which made me crave for him. He moved his body closer to mine. I could feel his chest on my back and his arousal was pressing in between my legs. His hand now moved to my butt gently caressing and massaging it. I moaned in delight. He started kissing from the nape of my neck down to my spine. He went on further down and kissed my butt. When I called out his name, he bit them. I called out his name again in delight and my body arched backwards, he bit me harder again. I wanted him so bad.

I called out again “Ross, please”

“Janani, you are beautiful, I want to make love to you”

Those words were music to my ears. He flipped me around. He stood on the bed with his legs on either side of me. He quickly got out of his boxers and dropped his knees so that he was now over me. His eyes were locked with mine.

“I will be gentle and slow, but if you are uncomfortable please let me know. I do not want to hurt you”. I wasn’t listening to Ross. I pulled him over me and locked his lips with mine into a passionate kiss. He was completely surprised. Through my peripheral vision, I saw his eyes widen with shock and surprise. He placed his hands underneath my hips and gently lifted my hips towards him. Slowly and gently he entered into me. I was wet and clearly ready for this and I welcomed him into a delicious filling. I moaned into his mouth. He completely filled me and was now pulling in and out in a steady rhythm. Everytime he pulled out, my body swayed and craved for him and as he pulled in, my legs wrapped around his hips. His hands were now teasing my nipples and gently tugging on them. The emotions were very overpowering and I was panting.

His rhythm continued and I was slowly building up. His kiss was getting deeper and deeper. As I was neared my climax I was gasping for breath. My mouth was completely dry and I could barely whisper

“Ross, Ross, Ross….”I kept calling his name. He increased his speed and I curled up even tighter and in a glorious moment reached orgasm in its full extent. Ross had his release and collapsed on me in the next instance. We both lay around each other clasping and hugging each other. I felt his chest on me and his thighs were on me. Ross flipped me around and in the next second I was lying on top of him. He gently placed my hair locks behind my ears and smiled at me. His eyes were filled with love and concern for me. I lay on him with my head on his chest. This moment, I not only connected with Ross Physically but also emotional. It felt as if he was my own and I had known him for years. Tears started rolling down my eyes. I feel elated and so alive.

“Are you sore?” He asked me

I shook my head to answer a no.

“Do you want to do it again?” He slowly let the words out of his mouth

I smiled and gently nodded asserting his feelings. The night was eventful with me reaching my ultimate feelings multiple times and Ross hitting home runs after home runs.

End of episode 15

Episode 16:

It was early morning when I suddenly woke up. Ross was sleeping next to me naked. I was sleeping on his hand all cuddled up. I smiled at him. I gently touched his cheek and felt his stubble. I ran my fingers through his soft hair. He was sleeping with his mouth open like a little baby. I smiled and closed his mouth. I tippy toed my way to the bathroom and took a quick shower. As I wore my panties, images from the previous night flashed in my head and I blushed. I got back into my clothes. And walked into the guest bedroom where Ananya was still sleeping. I gently stroked her hair to wake her up. She woke up and climbed into my arms and hugged me hard.

“Good morning sweetheart, let’s get you fresh”

Ananya got out of her bed and I gave her a nice warm shower. I got her ready and made her sit and the barstool and poured some milk into a kettle. Ananya sat there drinking her warm milk when Ross walked in. He was in his sweat pants and T shirt. He looked as handsome as ever.

“Good morning Ananya”

Good morning Ross” She beamed with happiness.

With Ananya around, we kept our conversations simple and straight to the point. I fixed breakfast for everyone toast and scrambled eggs. Ananya and Ross made funny faces on the toast with ketchup and had a hearty laugh. We bid Ross goodbye and Ananya hopped into the car. Ross gave me a hug, a tighter one this time and I blushed at him. He squeezed my hand and said “Last night was amazing and means a lot to me. Sorry if I hurt you”

I smiled and shook my head “You cannot hurt me. I am glad we came together last night, it means a lot to me.”

I walked to the car and we drove out of the driveway. Ananya waved good bye and we simply exchanged smiles. Ross stood there for a long time smiling to himself and pondering over what was to come.

During our drive back, I asked Ananya “How do you like Ross?”

“I like him a lot”, she said hugging her Barbie. I smiled at her as I looked at her through my rear view mirror. I was happy that Ananya was growing fond of Ross.

Ananya and I drove into our driveway and opened the garage. To my shock and dismay Deepak was waiting for us near the driveway. I felt a slap on my face. What was he doing here?

I turned off the ignition and stepped out of the car. My hands were shaking with the fear of being confronted. I suddenly felt a need to confess and apologize. My legs wouldn’t co-operate with me to move forward. I had an expression of a kid who was caught stealing. As I walked towards Deepak, he said

“We have a party to attend at Raj’s place today and I wasn’t sure what your plan was to attend it and also we need to sit down and talk about what our communication protocol is with our family and friends. “

He did not want to know where I was coming from and what was I up to. I felt a stab in my stomach. Was he so unconcerned about me? Well, good for me. It will only make things easy for both of us.

The expression on my face did not change. “What do you want to do?” I asked him the question instead.

“I think we should keep it low and discreet till we finalize our decision. I am fine with how ever you want to handle. You are the one who takes care of friends and family, so I will go with the tide”

“I agree, let’s not socialize anything. Also I am yet to talk to Ananya about our situation. The party is at Noon, we have another couple of hours to leave. “

Ananya was screaming from inside the car. She wanted to be unbuckled. Deepak opened the door and unbuckled her. She hugged and kissed her dad. We went into the house. With Deepak in the house, it suddenly felt very clumsy. We had some awkward silence in the house between us. I went into the closet to pick a dress for the party. My hands spotted a pink crepe saree. It was one of my favorite sarees. But I wasn’t in the mood for a saree. I picked an Indian dress that would go unnoticed in the crowd. I did not want to stand out and be noticed. I feared people talking to me about us.

I got out of my skirt and blouse which I wore for the previous night. As I undressed, Ross flashed in my mind. He sure had some dexterous fingers, I smiled at myself. AS I stood there thinking about him, the closet door suddenly opened and Deepak walked in.

End of episode 16

Episode 17:

I shrieked in shock and surprise. He stood there flabbergasted and immediately turned his back towards me

“I am sorry, I didn’t know you were in here” he walked out closing the door behind him. I quickly changed into my clothes and came out. He was waiting outside.

“I lost habit of having you around me” I regretted as soon as I said that.

“I understand I wanted to get some clothes for the party” he said as he walked past me into the closet.

I opened my jewelry box to look for jewelry to go with my dress. I stopped at a simple diamond necklace with dangling ear rings. Those are my favorite and I wanted to have a comfort factor of my favorite things. AS I looked into the mirror wearing the necklace around my neck, I realized that this was Deepak’s first gift. It was on the night of our wedding. Deepak and I were trying to retire to bed after a long and tiring reception, when he held my hand, made me sit closer to him and gave me a box which was beautifully decorated. My eyes were glowing at the sight of the gift. I took it from his hand and quickly opened the wrapper. The box contained an exquisite diamond necklace with drop ear rings. It was simple and beautiful.

“Do you like it?” Deepak asked it.

“I love it, this is beautiful. Thank you”

“You deserve this and much more.” He smiled at me. He really mean tit because in the years to follow I was showered by many more such gifts.

I stood there staring at myself in the mirror. Things were so different today. My eyes dilated and I fought back my tears. I was doing great moving on until Deepak showed up today. It will get better, I reassured myself. I walked into the living room. Ananya was watching TV. I went and sat next to her and took her in my lap. She did not take her eyes off the TV.

“You need to get ready for the party sweetheart”

“Can I just finish this last thing please?” she gave me a Ananya-pleading-look

“You have 5 more minutes and then I need you to get ready. Your friends will all be there, including Sahana” Sahana was Ananya’s best friend. They were like Siamese twins. The mention of Sahana’s name excited her but she still wanted to finish her daily dosage of TV.

I walked into the kitchen, it looked pretty neat. I hadn’t cooked for the last 20 hours or so. That reminded me of Ross. I quickly looked for my phone in my bag. There was a text message from Ross

Miss you already- Ross

I smiled at my phone but I had a different problem to deal at this time. I couldn’t possibly pull this day off. I went back to Ananya, she was still watching. I warned her before turning off the TV. She pouted at me and walked back to her room without looking back. I followed her and together we picked up a dress that she wanted to wear. I put a string of pearls around her neck. She looked gorgeous. I kissed her forehead and hugged her.

Deepak walked out all dressed and he was wearing one of my favorite kurtas. It fit him perfectly and he looked handsome. He was deliberately doing this to me, I felt. He smelled of a perfume that was so familiar. Wait a second! It is Ross’s musk perfume. My heart missed a bit. Would he know about Ross? I don’t think so. I was feeling uncomfortable at this time. But I decided to I ignore him. We got into the car and drove off.

Ananya kept rattling away about what she will play when she met Sahana at the party. She kept singing and talking to herself. It filled the silence between Deepak and me. We stopped at a snack store and got a basket of dry fruits and nuts. Then we were back on the road.

The party was buzzing with party. It was a traditional prayer ceremony followed by bhajan. We joined the festivities. Deepak moved on to meet his guy friends and I joined my friends. Ananya was waiting for Sahana and when she came Ananya took her friend to a kid’s area and they were lost in their own small world. As planned earlier, Deepak and I did not bring up anything about our situation.

As the traditional rituals and offerings to the god progressed, couples were asked to come together to join the bhajan and do Aarti. Deepak and I exchanged quick glances but then I looked away not acknowledging him. After all the couples were done, the hostess looked at me and signaled me that it was our turn. Deepak walked to the front of the group and took the plate which was beautifully decorated with lights, flowers and vermillion. I hesitated. The hesitation was primarily from the question that kept popping in my head - Were we still married to do this ritual? Did we deserve this privilege?

My inner conscious did not approve of this but I decided to go with the flow without throwing any tantrums. Deepak and I stood in unison and performed the ritual. This is what I was missing in my married life, the feeling of oneness with Deepak.

End of episode 17

Episode 18:

Deepak was his usual self. I kept thinking about him and Ross. My mind was wavered between the two. I couldn’t believe men could switch so easily. I stood there looking at Deepak. He looked so relaxed, warm and cheerful. He looked extraordinarily handsome. I brushed the thoughts aside. All were grouping up to take pictures. Deepak came by my side and put his hand around my shoulder for the picture. I simply sighed at myself. We bid goodbye to the hosts and headed home.

I had an enormous task to convince my friends and family about our decision. I wasn’t sure how I was going to do that. I have some time, I had to be convincing. I am not looking for sympathy or neither am I going to do a blame game. Deepak is a different individual and I am way different than him. We did not meet our expectations and there is no easy way to explain it. It is not a small issue to overlook or a big issue to fight over, it’s just all over the place. I wish I could point my finger on one thing and say – this is it. I decided to talk to Deepak about it. On our drive back, Ananya fell asleep in her car seat. I took this as an opportunity to break the ice between us

“How are things at work? “ I asked

“Not bad”

“How is your new place?”

“Not bad”

By this time I was beginning to lose interest in this conversation. This is the problem I had with Deepak. He was not a communicator. He would never talk much. There were days when he did sweet talk with me but later as we got busy with life we only exchanged info like what do you want for dinner? Can you pick up the baby? What time will you be home so that I can go to the gym? We only exchanged information but never really spoke to each other. That severed our relationship to a great extent.

Also Deepak did not make an effort to rekindle our relationship. I was getting grinded by work and home but he did not bother about Ananya or me. There were days I wished I was never married and never had a child. Deepak never made me feel good about being a mom. He initially complained about how big I was getting post-delivery and then about how I did not have enough time for him. He never acknowledged how I struggled to lose my pregnancy weight. All I needed was a pat on my back. I just couldn’t entertain his tantrums anymore. Those memories bought back bitter taste in my mouth.

I picked up Ananya from her car seat while Deepak opened the garage door and I put her in her bed. I changed my clothes into some casual wear. Deepak was still hovering over in the living room. May be he wants to talk something. Please god no. I do not want to get myself to go down the path of explaining him why I wasn’t happy with him. I silently prayed that he leave me alone. He looked at me several times while I was folding some laundry clothes. He made an effort to talk to me but he couldn’t gather his strength to do so. He finally gave up and left. My eyes followed him as he left but I did not stop him.

During the week, I kept getting text messages from Ross. He wanted to catch up for lunch but I was head down busy at work and couldn’t get out of office. I hoped he would understand. And he did. He never gave up on me and kept asking me out on all the occasions possible. On Wednesday I got an email from him asking if I would be interested in a corporate party hosted by oracle. He could take a date and he wanted me to be that date. I readily agreed. I emailed Sahana’s mom to see if I could drop off Ananya at her place for a sleep over. Ananya had been on sleep over at Sanhana’s place multiple times and there was no issue with that. I trusted Sahana’s parents too.

Sahana’s mom replied “What are the love birds up to? Sahana would love to have Ananya over. Please drop her anytime after 7 PM”. It pricked me that she thought Deepak and I were up to something. I did not see a need to correct her. So I was all set for Saturday. Later that evening, I was looking at my wardrobe to see what I could wear for the party. My eyes fell on the blood red long evening dress with a plunging neckline. I was going to pair them with ruby ear rings.

I dropped Ananya at Sahana’s place and was hurriedly getting ready, when someone rang the door bell. I was expecting Ross at any time. I slipped into my dress and was trying to zip myself up when the door bell rang again. I held the train of the dress and went to the door. When I opened the door, Ross stood in front of me smelling all magical. With a deep breath I took all the magic into my lungs.

“I am almost ready” I stuttered

“You look gorgeous” he said with his eyes wide open and a smile that tells that he is love with me.

“Come on in and I will be done in a few minutes”

As I closed the door after he walked in, I was about to turn around when Ross placed his hands on my semi bare shoulders. My dress was not zipped up as I had hard time getting it up, SO I thought I will get to it later. With his hands on my shoulder now, I was suddenly surprised and my body was stiff. I didn’t see the coming. He gently and slowly pulled up my dress zip. As the dress tightened around my silhouette, my body muscles tightened. I felt Ross’s fingers touch my back occasionally as the zip made its way all the way to the middle of my back. Once he was done, Ross swept my hair to a side revealing my back and the nape of my neck. His fingers touched my neck and my shoulders and as his hands moved down to my shoulder and then to my arms and holding my hands. His lips touched the nape of my neck and he placed gentle kisses around my neck, down to my shoulder, and trailing down to the middle of my back. My back arched and I moaned softly. He turned me around and placed my face in his palms and took a good look at me. My eyes were closed.

“Open your eyes Janani, I want to see them”

I smiled and opened my eyes. He bent down to kiss my lips.

End of episode 18

Episode 19:

We had a long and passionate kiss. We parted our lips gasping. Ross looked into my eyes and his thumb moved around my temples and then slowly down my jaw line. I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

“I think we have an appointment that we need to head for” I whisper into his ears

He smiled and kissed my forehead before letting my hand go.

I went back to my bedroom leaving Ross to linger around in the living room. I joined him in a few minutes. I saw his eyes twinkling at my sight. “You look as gorgeous as ever” he said holding my hand. I wore a ruby pendant and ear ring set which matched my red dress. We closed the doors behind us and were on our way to the party.

The party was in four season hotel in their huge banquet hall. The hall decoration theme was primarily dim lights with maroon draperies and lilies. The set up was pretty formal and it was a black tie event. I looked around and then looked at the man standing next to me. Ross was in a well fitting tuxedo with a beige shirt and a navy blue tie. His eye color matched his tie. I smiled at myself. He put my hand around his arm and walked me to a table. He pulled the chair back and then scooted me as I sat down. Chivalry runs in his blood. He sat down next to me.

“This is the annual party of Oracle mainly for Sales. Prominent people across the globe fly into this party”

I suddenly was reminded that Ross was a prominent person. He kept waving and smiling at people as he continued

“I usually don’t bring a date for these parties and hence you see all the raised eyebrows around” He smiled.

I felt special. A lot of the VPs and heads of the division were at the party with their spouses or partners. The party was just getting to catch up on full energy. Ross leaned forward to whisper in my ears

“I think a lot of my colleagues are jealous of me, thanks to you” I blushed and smiled.

Ross threw gazillion names of his colleagues at me as we sat there sipping. The CEO, CIO, Senior VPs and the who’s who of oracle was in the room. I also noticed some media people as well. This was my first time in a party of this magnitude and I was nervous as heck but I did not show that on my face. I put up my Janani-oh-so-cool kind of look.

“I will walk you around and introduce you to some of my colleagues and my boss once we are done with our drinks”

I nodded and took one more sip of my delicious wine.

“Hi Ross” I heard someone call from behind. I turned around and a beautiful lady who was dressed in a little black dress stood behind leaning on Ross. She was wearing a beautiful pearl string around her neck with matching pearl ear studs. Her make up was perfect and she had a flawless radiating skin. I instantly liked her.

“Oh my god, Natalie, how are you?” Ross stood up and turned towards her.

The name sounded familiar, but I had hard time recollecting where I had heard it. And suddenly it occurred to me that Ross’s ex girlfriend is Natalie too. Is she the same person? What is she doing here?

As Ross stood in front of her, Natalie threw her arms around him into a warm and tight embrace. Ross wrapped his arms around her too. The hug lasted for a tad longer than I would have hoped or wanted. When they let go of each other, she placed her palm on his cheek and with a very warm and loving smile looked into his eyes

“It’s been so long. I cannot believe you are actually in front of me. I missed you a lot” her voice cracked as she emphasized on the word ‘lot’.

She grabbed his hand and walked him towards a corner of the room and kept talking while they walked. Ross looked at me and signaled that he will be back in a second. I smiled and nodded. I could not take my eyes of her. Ross’s arm was around her waist as they walked and Natalie kept smiling and giggling like a small girl who found a treasure of chocolates. Ross was beaming with happiness too. He kept looking into her eyes. I felt very uncomfortable. I felt as if somebody had pushed me from the cliff of a mountain and I was having a free fall. I suddenly felt nauseous. I couldn’t drink my wine any more.

What was I expecting of Ross from this relationship? And most importantly what was he expecting of me? The questions were haunting me. I was all alone at the table and I didn’t know anybody in the room except him. I sat there looking in Ross’s direction. He occasionally looked at me but was completely swarmed by Natalie.

After what seemed like eternity, he came back to the table holding Natalie’s hand.

“Natalie, meet my dear friend and my date for tonight, janani”

I got up and extended my hand. She instead extended both her arms and gave me a quick hug.

“So nice to see you. I am here to do the media coverage for this event so have to go. I think we should hang out after the party” She was looking at Ross as she spoke.

“I think that is a great idea” Ross added. He did not even ask me if I was interested in hanging out with her. I had never felt so insecure about myself before. I guess it’s the mercurial dating relationship that I am in currently. I had never dated anyone especially a Caucasian. The Indian dating would have been little bit more committed oriented. That is it, I knew what I was looking for – a commitment. I had never been in a non-committed relationship and this insecurity was killing me. I was beginning to fall in love with Ross – deeply and madly. What if he went back to Natalie? They have a huge history and he barely knows me personally. WE have been more connected professionally.

I suddenly wanted to run away. I put my fete firm on the ground and wanted to see how this would go.

Natalie gave another tight hug to Ross and smiled at me before leaving to join her colleagues.

“Natalie is my ex girlfriend” I knew that “She is funny and lively. She always played pranks on me” he smiled trying to recollect his good old memories

We sat down. Our plates now had cheese and crackers and bacon wrapped shrimps. Ross immediately apologized for the meat on my plate and signaled for a person who was waiting our table. After due instructions from Ross, my plate was replaced by another vegetarian platter. The food smelled great but my appetite had suddenly vanished.

End of episode 19

Episode 20:

Ross held my hand and got up. I reluctantly got up. I just wanted to hide myself under the table and disappear. He placed his arm around my waist as if owning me. That was not good enough to drive my fears away. I still felt insecure. Hewalked me through an ocean of all the big wigs of Oracle. I could barely remember their names. I wasn’t focusing. A constant feared was nagging me. After the show and tell, we came back to our table. The CEO had started his little presentation. The numbers Oracle had made was overwhelming. The graphs just kept shooting up in his slides. People were cheering and screaming in joy. The CEO’s presentation also included some promotions that he had intended to announce.

“The first promotion is a very well deserved one. This person has been with us for almost 10 years and has been instrumental in our North America sales. He gave new direction to our products and has been key to our increased customer satisfaction. Please join me in congratulating Randy Harris in his promotion as group vice president and head of sales”

There was a huge cheer and the applaud increased when Randy waved at everyone. That sounds pretty cool. His wife hugged him all happy and elated.

The promotion announcements kept coming.

“This promotion is a surprise and probably the youngest Sr. Vice president in the company’s history. He joined the company a couple of years ago. He is smart, young and energetic. He placed Oracle in new markets and added additional feathers in the company’s cap. Please help me in congratulating the most eligible bachelor of this company Ross Croteau in his promotion as Sr. Vice President”

All eyes suddenly turned towards our table and people were looking at us. Ross was in a state of shock obviously. He did not see this coming. He looked at me and was beaming with joy. It was only then it occurred to me that Ross was promoted. I had not been myself since Natalie came by. I gave him a quick hug and congratulated him.

Ross was really smart, energetic and handsome. For the very first time I felt that I was biting more than I could chew. I had to give this a really good thought. I decided on talking about this to Ross. I have not connected with him emotionally. I am thinking of long term with this relationship but is he? I intend to find out.

I did not want this party to end because at the end of the party, I may have to hang out with Natalie. I am positive, open minded and very forward thinking, but Natalie brought out the negative side of me. I guess that is because I have not yet experienced the depth in this relationship. And having Natalie around will only make it very shallow and wasted.

The party was almost over and it was past midnight. We bid farewell to the acquaintances I had just met. I did not see Natalie around and I figured she already left. Just when I was settling down to that thought, she emerged from the ladies room. She walked to us and her make up all touched up.

“Do you want to go to my place or yours?” She asked Ross. It came naturally to her. Well they have a history remember! I wanted that too.

“My place” Ross added

“Ok, I will see you in a bit” and she left towards the parking.

Ross and I walked towards our car. I was hesitant to join this after party but at the same time I could never go to bed thinking of Natalie and Ross in an after party. I wanted to be around Ross. I dragged myself to this rendezvous. We pulled into Ross’s home and Natalie was already there waiting for us. I stepped out and walked towards her.

“Oh I didn’t know you were going to join us. I think it will be fun to know you” Natalie really surprised me. So was she expecting to be alone with Ross? Did I crash their party?

We sat in the family room and Natalie kept talking about how she and Ross were together for a long time and she was hoping that they would get engaged. She got emotional for a brief amount of period. I realized she was still madly and deeply in love with him and was not over him yet. She stood in front of the collage of Ross’s travel pictures and started at them. She had lot of memories. I suddenly felt that I was in their way. I was torn from inside. I felt a lump in my mouth and I couldn’t swallow my saliva. I just wanted to leave and run away.

Ross joined us with 3 wine glasses and a red wine bottle.

“Here is your favorite wine, Nat” he smiled at her

“Oh you remember that is really sweet, thank you” Natalie held out her glass as Ross poured the wine. I silently sipped on my wine. It felt like I was completely invisible around Ross and Natalie.

Ross made a lot of effort to keep me engaged as Natalie kept recalling all the fun times they had. I excused myself to use the restroom. I just needed some alone time. I locked myself in the restroom and sat on the toilet seat and tears rolled down my cheeks. I felt as I was in a vacuum. I had left Deepak, started seeing Ross and wanted this relationship to have a happy ending. With Natalie now in the picture I felt that this was not going anywhere. I was heartbroken. Ross was the guy for me. He is intelligent and compliments my intelligence very well; he is very encouraging, highly supportive and a great lover. I couldn’t be unlucky the second time around too. I gently wiped my tears as they trickled down my face. I sniffled and used up most of the tissues from the tissue box. After sometime I heard someone knock at the door.

“Janani, Are you OK?” It was Ross

“Yes, I am. I will be out in a bit” My voice was not the usual tone

“Please can you open the door?” his voice was in a gentle pleading tone.

I didn’t want to be rude. I quickly splashed water on my face and wiped it clean. I looked at myself one more time in the mirror. I looked like a mess and a bundle of nerves. As I walked out Ross placed his hands on my shoulder and closely read my eyes.

“I am sorry. I shouldn’t have put you through this” there was a feeling of guilt in his voice

“No, I am sorry. I acted like a child. I just couldn’t stay with….” I was fighting my tears and finally gave up. I couldn’t talk anymore and tears rolled down my cheeks. I tried wiping them off but the trail of tears got refilled again and again. Ross was standing awkwardly in front of me. He was giving me the emotional space I needed. I had to let it out. When my tears dried away, he took my face in his hands, tilted it up so that I could look into his eyes. His eyes were soft and moist. All I could see was feelings for me. I noticed that Natalie was gone

End of episode 20

Episode 21:

“I love you Janani. I have never felt like this about anyone before. I cannot imagine my life without you. You complete me” He gently drew me closer into his arms. I melted in his embrace. I wanted to hear that and feel reassured about this relationship.

“I have been such an ass tonight. I just feel so comfortable with you, that I totally ignored you. I promise never ever to do that. You are so special to me that I cannot think of hurting you. What would I do without you?” He released me from his embrace and slowly lifted my head. My hair was all over my face. He slowly and gently cleared up my hair so that he could have a better view of my face. Gently placing a kiss on my forehead, he walked me to the couch. As we sat on the couch, the memories of us making out on the couch flashed in front of me. My adrenaline spiked up and I blushed.

“You are the best thing that has happened to me. I have dated a number of women before but I have only slept with you, well not counting Natalie.” I liked what he said but at the same time I didn’t like what he said when he mentioned Natalie. I realized how double standard I was. I had a married relationship with Deepak and also had his child and Ross never let that come in between us and here I was judging him on sleeping with Natalie.

“You are the first person who made me fall head over heels in love. You are beautiful, charismatic, intelligent and a smart woman. I should thank my stars for the day I met you. On that day, I was completely smitten by you. I did not know if you were married or had a partner and I did not care. All I cared was I was liking you and I just wanted to follow my heart. The day you told me you were married was the worst day of my life. I thought I had lost you forever. Your troubled marriage was not fostering my feelings all over again. I did not want to misguide you to help my stance in your life. I let you make your own decision and deep down I was hoping that I get one chance. And thank goodness I got that one chance and I am never going to let that go. I will never let anything or anyone take it away from me.”

Ross had never expressed his inner feelings before and this is what I wanted. I wanted to be reassured of his feelings. And now I felt more confident and more secured.

“What happened between Natalie and you? I think she still loves you” I barely made those last few words audible. I did not want to jeopardize what I had with Ross but I couldn’t let the fear of losing Ross to Natalie haunt me all my life. I’d better nip it in the bud.

“I know she has feelings for me. She is a dear friend and that is all she will remain. Natalie is a fun person and warm and wonderful, but she is not you. She is not the one who could blow me away with her charisma. I want someone who can challenge me and make my life more interesting. And that is you Janani. You have to trust me on this. I can understand your apprehensions, but you have to give me my time to prove yourself. This is probably very overwhelming and I think you should take some more time to steer this relationship. I am willing to take it slowly and let you drive this.”

My questions were answered but the fear in me was stiff ruffling somewhere. As Ross said, I had to slowly build this up. I looked more reassured at this time. Ross held my chin and gently pushed it up. I looked into his eyes and he looked into mine. The silence of the night and house filled our hearts with a romantic music. A lot unsaid was being said in that moment. I will grow to trust Ross, I reassured myself. As I lost myself in his eyes, Ross leaned forward to gently place his lips on mine. His soft lips touched mine and he placed gentle kisses on my upper lip and then on my lower lip. He is very romantic and knows how to turn me on. His mere touch of lips turns me on. My stomach muscles tightened as the kiss prolonged. He started tugging on my lips and sucking my lower lip while I got to enjoy his upper lip. Suddenly Ross stopped as if remembering something.

“I want to make sure that you are fine with this”

I let a small smile creep onto my lips which are probably swollen at this point.

Ross smiled his naughty smile and pounced on me taking me by surprise. His lips were on mine with more vigor this time. His hand slipped through my neck and was gently caressing my front of the neck and then the nape. His tongue was in my mouth exploring it. He tasted of the red wine. My fingers were in his hair playing with them. His hair was soft and shiny and I loved the way they fell around my fingers.

Ross pulled his tongue out and took one more look at me. His thumb fingers gently touching the corner of my eyes, my temples, eyebrows and my cheek bones. He slowly removed my chain and earrings. I in turn removed his tie and unbuckled the top button of his shirt.

“Now you are talking lady” he said in a sarcastic tone.

He carried me up in his arms and walked towards his bedroom. I lay in his arms with my arms around his neck and the train of my dress hanging in mid air.

End of episode 21

Episode 22:

It must have been around 8 AM. I woke up to bright sunlight coming into the room. Ross was sleeping next to me, his nose in my bosom and his head on my hand and his legs around my legs all curled up. My red dress was gone, my bra was still in its place and I was not sure about my panties. I wanted to use the restroom but I hated disturbing Ross. I curled up even closer and held his head closer to my body. I smelled his hair, he smelled great. As I made gentle circles in his hair, he nuzzled his nose further into my bosom. I was aroused by that. Last night was awesome. Ross just knows what I want. He does a great job of building it up for me to climax. I had never felt this great about making love before.

He mumbled something in his sleep and his fingers pulled me even closer to his body. He was not wearing a shirt. My fingers moved down from his hair to his well toned shoulders and then his biceps that were around my waist. Suddenly he moved and lay on his back and I was on top of him. My loose hair fell loosely on the pillow right behind his head. I was surprised and he chuckled

“I see that someone is exploring my body without my permission” he smiled his boyish smile. I loved his boyish smile. It always takes my breath away.

“You got to pay up for this” he said.

I giggled and felt childish. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and bent down to kiss him. It was a soft and sensual kiss. Ross pressed my head further down towards him and turned the kiss into a passionate one.

“I love waking up next to you” he said in my mouth. I smiled and chuckled.

Later that evening I got an email from Deepak asking if he could take Ananya out for a day the following week. I readily agreed. Ross and I rarely met at work. He was working on other accounts and I was busy getting all the resources ramped up for our big projects with oracle. After all I was hired to deliver this project. I worked very hard. I barely slept for 5 hours a day. I had an extra responsibility of Ananya. I would bring her back from school, spend some time with her, fix dinner and teach her something new and put her to bed. It was not until 8 PM, I would open my laptop to start working and my work would go way past midnight or 1 or 2 AM sometimes. Ananya was being extremely co-operative ever since Deepak left. But she kept updating me that Deepak met her on various occasions at school. I needed a break at some time. And this weekend Ananya was going to be with her dad. I heaved a sigh of relief. Well, that kept me thinking – where were we with our separation status? I had to follow up with my attorney. I was swarmed with work.

Deepak wanted to pick up Ananya from school on Friday evening. I packed her clothes and toiletries and left it with her teacher. I lied to her teacher that she and her dad were going on a camping trip. Friday I came back home and started on my laptop again. I was expecting Ross for dinner. I did not have time to cook, so I ordered Chinese. I was still in my jeans from this morning when Ross knocked at my door.

One look at me and his eyes widened “What is going on? Why do you look so tired and sleep deprived?”

“I have been awfully busy these days. Thanks to you guys” I mocked at him

“Is there anything I can do to help you?”

“No, it’s just me. Sorry I couldn’t cook anything so I asked for some take out for Chinese. The food should be here any moment” I was not looking at Ross any more. My eyes were fiercely reviewing the document I had been writing since morning. I promised to get this out by end of day today and it was nearly end of day today. We heard a knock at the door. That must be the Chinese home delivery guy.

“I will get it for you” Ross walked towards the door

He and the Chinese guy exchanged some pleasantries and Ross closed the door after him.

“You always have a way with everyone. I didn’t know you spoke Mandarin.” I said as I gave him a quick glance. He smiled his boyish smile and my heart melted. He opened the food boxes. It was chowmein with Kung pao chicken for him and Chowmein with string beans for me.

“So what is it with you and being a vegetarian?” Ross asked quizzically

“It runs in the family. We are all vegetarians and will remain vegetarians forever. No one can change that” I gave a sarcastic smile emphasizing on ‘no one’. Ross raised his one eyebrow and looked at me crossly trying to gauge the challenge

“Are you challenging me? I can be very persuasive, you know” he said with a crooked smile on his face. I loved challenging him

“We will see that ” I said provoking him even more

“Challenge accepted” he said as he gave my string beans.

Ross sat next to me and we both dug into our food. My hands kept juggling back and forth the chopsticks and the laptop. Ross observed me for a few minutes and then closed my laptop. I was flabbergasted. I looked at him open mouthed, what did he just do? I was in the middle of completing my document and had to send it. The document was not even saved. I knew I could recover it, but still I didn’t expect that from him.

“There is a time and place for everything. Right now its dinner with Ross time and I would hate for you to be looking at anything other than your food or me” he said calmly looking into my eyes.

I couldn’t be mad at him. He made perfect sense and he knew how to talk to me.

“I have to send that document before end of day today” I retorted

“It is not end of the day yet” he whispered to me. There was no way I could win this argument. I left my laptop on the coffee table and sat down on the couch completely relaxed. I moved closer to Ross and leaned on his shoulder and continued with my dinner. He turned on the TV and stopped at ‘The Notebook’. It is one of my favorite movies too. What a way to begin the weekend, I thought. Nothing can be more romantic than watching this movie.

I picked up a string bean and gently placed it in between my teeth and took a small bite of it. And then placed the remaining bean in between my lips and slowly sucked it in.

“What are you doing?” Ross was staring at me with his eyes wide open and in a state of shock

“What, nothing. Just eating” I feigned innocence.

“I know what you are doing. You are being one naughty girl” his eyes narrowed and I rolled my eyes as if not agreeing with him. He grabbed my chin and plunged into a deep and intense kiss. I wanted to touch his hair and shoulders, but my hands were full with the chopsticks and the box.

“I like it when your hands cannot push me off” he said as he withdrew his lips from mine.

“You taste deliciously vegetarian” he said.

I decided to behave myself and enjoy my food. We both focused back on the movie. After around half an hour, Ross noticed that I fell asleep on his shoulders. I slept like a baby. He put back all the things in my hand and without waking me up, lifted me in his arms and headed towards my bedroom. He placed me on the bed, covered me with my duvet and kissed me good night.

I might have slept for more than 12 hours. I felt refreshed and good. I woke up recollecting what I did last night. Ross was not next to me. I stepped out of the bed. I was still in my clothes from yesterday. I went into the living room and Ross was in the kitchen fixing breakfast.

“Hi” I mumbled with a smile

“Good morning sleepy head” he walked towards me and kissed me on my forehead. He grabbed my hand and walked me towards the kitchen island. He made Oatmeal with fresh berries and toasted almonds, waffles and coffee. It smelt really good. I was hungry too.

He lifted me and made me sit on the island and hugged me by placing his arms around my waist. His forehead was at the same level as my lips. I kissed him on his forehead and he placed soft kisses on my throat and neck.

“You are such a pleasure to have around. I never want to let go of you” I said as I smelled his hair. He smelled divine.

“I think you shouldn’t let me go” he winked at me. As he came back into my arms, I placed my legs around him hugged him even closer. This felt so right.

I quickly got ready. I was wearing my ever flattering knee length skirt with a spaghetti top. We sat down to enjoy the breakfast. The whole thing felt to intimate and lovely. I decided to spend some time in front of my laptop and finish up the work that was pending from last night. I promised it wouldn’t take more than an hour. Ross kept himself busy with phone calls. He called his mom.

“You sound happy, son” His mom said

“I am happy mom, very happy “ He said looking at me

End of episode 22

Episode 23:

I looked at him and smiled in satisfaction. He was with me and he felt happy. That was endearing to listen. I wrapped up my work and closed my laptop. I was all set to head out. Ross had planned something nice for the day and I couldn’t wait to see what was to unfold for the day.

We pulled into the parking lot of a theater complex. I loved movies and so did Ross. We were going to watch a science fiction in 3D. We got our tickets and were waiting in the line to get our popcorn. I was excited for the movie. It had been more than 4 years since my last movie. I felt relaxed and happy. As we moved forward in line, I turned to Ross to whisper something in his ears when I noticed that a man was standing right behind us staring at me intently. I looked at him and my feet froze. It was Deepak. My heart was racing at this time and I didn’t know what to do. I kept staring at him and Deepak was looking at me with intensity. Ross noticed that I was not looking at him, he turned around to look at Deepak. He gently squeezed my hand to bring me back to my senses. I looked at Ross and then again at Deepak.

“Ross, this is Deepak and this is Ross” I looked at Deepak.

Ross smiled and shook hands with Deepak without letting my hand go. I stood there with my world spinning around me. I was not prepared to handle this situation. I stood there staring at Deepak. Ross put his arm around my waist and whispered in my ears “Do you want to get the popcorn or not?”

I replied not looking at him “Please go ahead, I will join you in a minute” I was still looking at Deepak.

“Where is Ananya?” I asked him looking around for her.

“She is in the theater with other dads and kids. I came to get popcorn for them” he said in a tone that had no feelings.

“Ross is a friend I met him at work” I suddenly realized I was explaining myself. It dawned on me that I was still married to Deepak legally and I was sleeping with another guy. I was technically heating on him. I was terrified and at the same time I was happy that this came out into light.

“Did you sleep with him?” Deepak asked out of the blue.

I was caught off guard and didn’t know what to say. My palms were all sweaty. I took a few seconds before answering

“I don’t see a need to answer that question”

Deepak’s eyes were moist. I saw him swallow something. That was probably grief that he swallowed. He was shattered to pieces and felt cheated. I felt horrible. How could I explain that I was happy with Ross and that I couldn’t keep him happy? There was no point of us staying together if I was not happy and in turn I couldn’t keep him happy.

“I got my answer” he said, looking away. He slowly walked away from me. His feet fell heavy as he walked. His shoulders were drooping as if he felt defeated. I stood there for a while. My head was hurting. I couldn’t take this anymore. I walked out of the theater and went to the nearby Starbucks coffee. I did not bother Ross. I just wanted to stay by myself. I got a text from him asking where I was. I promptly replied that I need to be alone and that I would meet him after the movie.

I sat down pondering on what I was doing and where I was heading. On one hand I have Ross, who is the man of my dreams; he loves me and cares about me. I am always blown away by his charm, intelligence and steadfastness. I also believed that he would be a great strength and support to Ananya. On the other hand I had Deepak. The man I was married for more than 6 years. He was loving and caring towards Ananya and me but never made me feel good about myself, never stood by me when I needed him. And with Deepak I never felt as if I was celebrating life. I started the journey with Deepak with hopes and aspirations. I stood by him when he needed me through thick and thin. Through the days he lost his job, boosting his morale, recommending him to my friends and colleagues, nurtured and nourished him like a mom. But what I did not get in return was the feeling of “I am always there for you, no matter what”. Every time I had to over work, he would complain, every time I had to travel for work, he would get grumpy. He never understood the emotional roller coaster ride I was going through when we had Ananya. I compromised on multiple occasions and at various levels and wanted to make this relationship work, but now I was tired. I was tired of “being in charge” of everything. I need a strong man who would pamper me, take care of me and honor and respect me. I was clearly not happy in this relationship and was not able to keep Deepak happy anymore. Ananya would get squished in between us sooner or later. I did not want that to happen.

I sat there going through the various incidents that led me to believe that I was with the right man now and this was the right decision or me. The tides in my heart calmed down now. I felt bad for Deepak. I did not mean to break his heart but when it comes to making life changing decisions, there will be some heart breaks. I hope that he will be in a happier place after our separation.

I looked up when Ross placed his hand on my shoulder. He was smiling at me.

“Wasn’t it your husband?” he asked as he kneeled down by my side. I nodded.

“Are you feeling better now?” I nodded again.

“I just needed to take some time for myself to calm myself down. Sorry for standing you up on the movie” Is aid looking sorry

Ross chuckled and said “Don’t be silly, this is important. You being comfortable is what I need. I want to ask you something. Do you trust me?”

I looked at him quizzical with my eyebrows drawn closer to each other and my eyes narrowing. Where is this coming from?

“I trust you a lot and I see a future with you and I want you to trust me too. I don’t want you to have any doubts about us. I want you to know that I will do whatever it takes to keep your trust and love” Ross was leaning forward and holding my hands as he said these words.

I could completely trust this guy. I was on this quest to find my true partner and Ross was in all aspect my man. I did not want to hurry into a marriage but I felt comfortable and cozy with him.

End of episode 23.

Episode 24:

We just decided to stay home and be by ourselves. Ross cancelled our reservation for lunch. We stayed home, watched a couple of movies and then cooked dinner together. We spoke a lot. I got to know Ross more intimately. I opened up myself. I told him about my childhood, my parents and how life in India is. Ross wanted to visit India and my parents. I did not know how that would go with my parents. They were still unaware of my situation here. I want to take it slowly with them. Once they meet Ross, I know they will agree with my decision.

We continued to explore my childhood by delving into my childhood pictures. Ross wouldn’t stop laughing at my pictures. I pouted my lips. “You were one adorable kid” he said kissing my pouted lip. He saw a picture of mine in a saree and looked at me in a naughty way.

“What is it?” I asked

“I am wondering how you look in a saree now?”

“Well that is no rocket science, I can wear one if you want” I said. He smiled and the curiosity in his eyes lit up. I gave my naughty smile, winked at him and took off into my bedroom.

When I stepped back into the living room, I was surprised. The entire room was lit with candles and a romantic and soothing music was playing in the background. The ambience was all ‘love is in the air’. Ross was waiting for me. His eyes were glowing at the sight of me. I was wearing a lace white saree which easily showed my sleeveless blouse and my slender figure. I added a hint of pearls around my neck and ear rings. As I walked towards him, his smile grew bigger. He reached out to a lock of my hair and gently placed it behind my ear. His hand touched my cheek and caressed my jaw line. My body stiffened. Ross’s face was glowing. The candle light was illuminating his clean shaven, well chiseled face. He took my breath away.

“Janani, words cannot describe how beautiful and sensuous you look right now.”

He bent down to kiss on my cheek and then my ear and then my temple. I squeezed his shoulder unable to bear the intensity of his touch. His feather light kisses always turn me on. It’s like he has a magic wand. He was now kissing my bare shoulders and his hand moved up and down my arms. He then moved away from me and holding my hands and standing at an arm’s distance from me said

“Janani, you are the most beautiful women in the world” I rolled my eyes and smiled. He smiled too and then continued, “I have never felt about this about anyone before, ever. You make me happy and I would like to be happy all my life”

He then bent down on one knee and my eyes widened. Oh no, this possibly couldn’t be happening. My heart was racing as fast I could ever imagine. A thousand things were running through my mind. I was very certain about Ross but this was coming too fast for me. He took out a small box and opened it for me. The princess cut diamond was embedded in a platinum ring. I always loved the princess cut and Ross completely nailed it.

“Janani, I want to grow old with you and wake up to see your beautiful smile every day. Will you please marry me?”

I stood there fighting back tears. This is exactly what I had wanted, a long term commitment and Ross was giving me all of that. I was going to be happy, content and in love for all my life.

“Yes, yes and yes” I screamed with joy. Ross was beaming with joy and jumped up on his feet like a small boy who got a candy.

He took me into a deep embrace and I reciprocated. It felt heavenly. Ross hugged me tight and took a deep breath. He kissed me in my hair and I nuzzled my nose in his shirt. Things were never going to be the same again. Ross looked into my eyes and kissed on my forehead and then my eyes. And suddenly someone knocked at the door. We both looked at each other. We both were not expecting any guests. I hated this moment when the most important moment of my life was being interrupted.

I opened the door and Deepak was standing in front of me. I was shell shocked. What was he doing at this time? He looked like a complete mess.

“Can I come in?” he asked trying to find his voice. I moved aside to let him walk in. Somehow I couldn’t close the door on him. He needed to be comforted. Knowing that I slept with another guy was taking a toll on him. Deepak has not moved on yet and I was convinced after seeing him in this state. As he walked in, he saw Ross and the candles. His heart sank even more.

“I am sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt. I thought you were alone” Deepak’s eyes went back and forth between Ross and me finally ending on me. “I just need to talk to you for a few minutes.”

“Can we talk tomorrow; I am kind of busy right now….” I didn’t want to sound rude or mean

“I understand but this will really take a few minutes” he said and looked at Ross as if asking to be left alone.

“I need to step out and will be back in a bit” Ross was leaving. I held his hand and stopped him.

“Ross I need you to stay. I want you to trust me”.

“I understand, but this is not the right time. I think you both need some privacy to resolve your issues. Call me when you are done” Ross carefully put the ring back in his pocket and closed the door after him.

End of episode 24

Episode 25:

I turned on the lights and sat on the couch and stared at my empty fingers.

“You look gorgeous Janani, just like always” he gave me his innocent smile.

Really? I didn’t need this at this time. Please stop for god’s sake. I wanted to yell at Deepak for being so foolish at this time. But I let it go. He was going through a lot.

“Why did you leave me?” His words were more like a whisper. He muffled and I knew he was completely broken from within.

“If I remember well, it was you who wanted to separate and not me.” I replied in a calm voice

“What else could I do? You were never happy with me. My love was never enough for you. I was never enough for you. I always wanted to do things for you, but by the time I got myself to do it, you were already on top of it. I was not quick enough to catch up with your pace. One time I wanted to plan for Ananya’s birthday, I had all the plan, place booked, guest list ready and I wanted to discuss with you, you had already planned everything and the invitations were out of the door. This happened multiple times. I thought you were fine with that, but what I didn’t understand was your perception of me being incompetent, uninterested and wanting to stay out of family matters. I had planned for a surprise vacation, but you had other plans and I cancelled them out. I always wanted to catch up with your pace but I was always a tad late.

And my mistake was not to own what I was doing and letting it go. What I did not expect was that I was letting you go from this relationship. Before I knew our relationship had turned sour. We were constantly arguing. You accused me of not being a good dad, I was not there for you during your new mommy days. I was there but I didn’t want to step on your toes. You have really big toes and I didn’t know how to comfort you without hurting you. You are a complex person. I was having hard time seeing a future for us. There was no spark in the bed too. You were never in the mood to connect with me. I thought physical intimacy would rejuvenate our love and relationship. But everytime I made a move you denied it. You hated me even touching you. I couldn’t bare it at all. You were mad at me, dead mad. I somehow wanted to make it up to you.

And the day I came to catch up for coffee, you candidly declined. You didn’t want to even spend a minute with me. I was completely broken and I realized that I know you better than you know yourself. I know me staying away from you will make you happy. And I was right. I thought I will forget and move on, but I have been dying every day. I have hard time falling asleep without you by my side. I just needed your touch to feel reassured that you were there by my side. I haven’t slept in days. “

Deepak’s eyes were filled with tears and he was crying at this point. My face was all red with blood gushing into my face. My head was hurting because of all the crying. My eyes were hurting now. My tears filled my face. He dropped to his knees in front of me and placed his head and palms on my knees and cried loud

“And today when I heard what I heard, I was a dead man. I cannot bring myself to believe that you could be with someone other than me. Please Janani, don’t do this to me. I have no life without you; I need you in my life. Please give me one more chance and I will make it up to you and our little girl. I will never let you down. I am not saying that the situation we are in currently is because of your fault or mine, it is in fact neither of our fault. It’s just a timing and communication issue. I have never told you about how I feel about you. But I will tell you today. You are a very smart, intelligent, caring and nurturing person I have ever known. I have been a jack ass to not have appreciated you. You always looked out for me and I have always been intimidated by you and didn’t want to step on your toes and hence kept a distance and gave you your space. But that space grew so big that you couldn’t see me in your vicinity any more.

Please give me a chance, please give US a chance. “ Deepak cried.

 “I am not complicated. I have never asked for anything. I am completely misconstrued here and this is preposterous. You break my heart over and over again today when I am trying to be happy and get my life back, you are running it again. Why Deepak? What have I done to you? Why are you doing this to me? You think you can walk away any time and come back anytime to claim me? How is it even remotely possible?” I screamed at him. I was mad, exasperated and infuriated all at the same time.

“I cannot let go off you. I love you a lot and I cannot imagine myself without you. I know I have not made enough effort to keep you happy, but please give me another chance. I withdrew the separation papers. You and Ananya are my family. I am willing to work towards a change and believe me I will surprise you. I just need you to believe in me. I will do whatever it takes to keep you happy”

Deepak’s words were tearing my heart. I was heartbroken and in pain. My tears would not stop. I did not know what to do and how to convince him. Here is my husband, I spent 6 years with and have a child, who loves me immensely and is willing to do whatever it takes to keep this relationship. If this had happened a month ago, I would have readily given him another chance, but now it’s too late. I was with Ross and I gave away whatever I had– my dignity, my love, my trust, my heart and myself. I had nothing left for Deepak.

“Deepak, please stop doing this to me”, I was yelling at him. “You cannot put me through these emotions every time you want. Please let me go.”

I tried to free myself, but in vain. I tried kicking out my legs but Deepak held me too strong.

“Janani, please give me one more chance”

“Deepak, please let me go, you are hurting me. Deepak, Deepak….”I was screaming at the top of my voice and moving my legs vigorously to break Deepak’s hold on my legs.

And suddenly Deepak splashed water on my face. My throat was all dry with all the screaming. I opened my eyes and Deepak was right on my face.

“What happened? You have been screaming my name” Deepak was wearing a horrid look.

I sat in my bed and was all sweaty. Deepak got me a glass of water. I emptied the glass and wanted more. He got me another glass. I was sipping on my second glass of water. After my breathing came to normal I spoke up

“What time is it?”

“It’s 3 in the morning. “he paused and gave me some time to absorb it all in. “I think you are very stressed out about your work. Do you want me to get you some coffee or tea? “

“No, I am fine. It was indeed a dream huh?’ I asked him

“Do you want to talk about it?” Deepak asked. I sighed.

I embarked on the journey about explaining Deepak everything from start to finish. By the time I finished my dream, Deepak was in a state of shock and disappointment. He held my hand and said “I believe I do have a role in your dream. I have not been really helpful to you. I apologize. Your dream does reflect some differences we have been having off late. I am extremely sorry honey. I will make it up to you. You seem to be really disturbed by my behavior. I am sorry again”

I was taken by surprise. Deepak was right. We have been having arguments off late and I was thinking about it in my sub conscious mind.

He planted a gentle kiss on my forehead. I looked at Deepak. He is my man. He is the guy I married and would love to grow old with. Every relationship has its flaws, but it’s all about making those flaws work n your advantage. Here is my man who is hopelessly in love with me and will do anything to make me happy. I don’t need a Ross in my life.

“I want to make it up to you right now at this very moment, if you are fine with it” He gave me his infamous sensuous, mischievous smile. And without waiting for me to give his consent, he grabbed me in his arms and kissed me. What followed after that was a satisfying make up sex. We had found our relationship again and the love rekindled in our hearts. I knew things would not be the same between us again. We were two individuals who were crazily in love with each other. I had rediscovered my love for him. It felt satisfying and happy.

I went to work late that day. The images of our love making kept flashing in my mind and I couldn’t stop blushing. I opened my laptop and refreshed my inbox. What I saw in my inbox dropped my jaw to the floor. An email from Ross Croteau

Subject: Coffee???

Dear Janani

I will be in in the neighborhood later in the day, do you want to catch up for coffee?

Ross Croteau

VP North America Sales, Oracle Inc

END OF SERIAL.